(The movie not the TV show.) Also, this is a 30 year old movie, (I got scolded on twitter for ‘spoiling’ a new release rom-com, but like, can you really spoil a rom-com?) if you haven’t seen The Bodyguard and think a 30 year old movie can be spoiled, don’t read this.

I stopped watching Yellowstone because I found the writing to be so bizarre when it came to the women in the cast. Like choice after choice these women were making felt like choices no women I know would make. And before you start with your “but YOU are a liberal west coast elite!” let me remind you I grew up in a rural town (population 5,000) and rode horses and went to rodeos and was in 4-H and am descended from farmers. (Yes farmers are different than ranchers, IDC.) So, I was feeling like, there is Kevin Costner missing from my life and I need to right that wrong. The Bodyguard (available on Showtime, one of the subscriptions I cancelled and last night was my last night with it and boy did I waste it…) was in my queue and I figured what the heck! I loved that movie! I danced with my SERIOUS CRUSH to I Will Always Love You at my junior prom. (I went to prom with his best friend, and later heard that he was really mad at me for dancing with his best friend and then snuggling with him at a party all night… ah, high school.) I remembered this movie as being “A Good Movie.” BOY WAS I WRONG.

The opening is so chaotic and janky that I assumed the film tested poorly and they went and re-shot the beginning because no one understood who Kevin was and why he was such an in demand bodyguard. I went so far as to look up the script this afternoon and the shooting script was even more chaotic and good lord, this was a movie in development for something like 20 years and they still didn’t nail the opening? HOLLYWOOD, CALL ME, I HAVE NOTES.

Then the love story is… shall we say, thin. KC falls in love WAY too quickly. WH’s sister is evil! In an almost believable way, but honestly, if you’re at the point of hiring a hitman to kill your sister, you need to stop working for her maybe. Just a thought! The supporting cast is underdeveloped and forgotten. I wanted more from the chauffeur. I wanted less from the PR guy. I could watch scenes with KC getting roasted by his dad in front of his girlfriend/client all NIGHT and there was only one. The movie has great songs, but the SCORE. THE SCORE! IS EMBARRASSING. (I think that 90s movies should be forgiven for this, but I LOL’d at a couple of cues.)

Side note: My husband claims he knows neither version of I Will Always Love You. I adore the Whitney version because it’s the first one I heard and see above re: HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH JUNIOR PROM, but Dolly’s version is heartbreakingly good. I feel like the Dolly version should have been the version they played in the country bar, and back to that, was there a country bar in LA in 1992? (My husband claimed that was not a thing, he lived here then, and did a lot of drinking in bars then… I am inclined to believe him.)

I did not love this re-watch. It did not make me feel things. I should have just watched the Whitney I Will Always Love You music video. And caught up on Yellowjackets before my subscription ended.

If you want really entertaining movie reviews of really old movies, check out Unemployed Lawyer Mom.