One thing I despise about February is that it begins the year long onslaught of made-up holidays designed to make some people feel really good about their lives and loved ones and make other people feel really bad about their lives and loved ones (or lack there-of).

The past two years Louie has purchased flowers and some kind of random stuffed bear with some sort of heart thing attached.  And while I think it’s kind of funny to have a bear that lights up and sings “You Light Up My Life,” while simultaneously moving it’s arm in kind of a masturbatory way, I would rather it not be something that I have to deal with after the initial novelty wears off.  For 9 months that bear sat in the corner of our living room, hidden by a cabinet and long curtains.  I would have shoved it into my toy box (dirty) but the toy box is filled with my thesis film dailies and dubs.  Occasionally I would pull the dumb bear out and make it sing for someone like Allie or Tara who always appreciate random singing stuffed animals, but really it was just collecting dust in the corner. It was making me feel guilty and maybe a little vengeful.  I kind of wanted to do something terrible to the bear.  It was so white and earnest.

Some of you may recall the fact that I have a balcony, and that at one point I spent a lot of time on said balcony.  Now that I don’t smoke any longer and don’t have any outdoor plants, I spend exactly 3 seconds a week on the balcony.  And those 3 seconds are spent closing the screen door (that Allie and I accidentally broke the latch off of in an ill fated attempt to bring some electricity to the Christmas lights that are actually still hanging and still have no electricity running to them) so that the family of very stubborn pigeons who take up residence on the open door have no place to land.  You also might remember that last summer we installed an air conditioner in my closet window.  This apartment is architecturally confusing, but my closet has a window and that window looked out over the balcony until we installed the air conditioner and now provides my stubborn family of pigeons with a new place to land.  Since I can’t be home all day to deal with pigeon landing zones I needed to find something to deter their shitty little asses from taking up residence on my beloved air conditioner.

I thought of buying that spikey stuff that you see on cornices and building roof tops, but it seemed like a lot of work to go to Home Despot, figure out how to get just enough to cover a 1 foot by 2 foot area and then bring it home and install it.  Three steps are two too many.  So instead I searched around my apartment for something I really didn’t like and would obviously be frightening to pigeons.  Thank you, Louie, for giving me a White Enourmous Masturbating Bear!  The bear sits atop the air conditioner holding court over the Garden Gnome, a stone frog, the Pigeon Detering Owl (that has never once detered a pigeon) and several thousand empty pots that once held beautiful plants and now hold only empty dreams.  It’s like a little slice of crazy out there on that balcony.  And that, my friends, is what I am all about.