I don’t know how to tell you this.  It wasn’t a dream.  It really happened.

I’m not one for volunteering during “performances” but somehow (maybe because my friends are assholes*) I always get volunteered, and then I’m the dork in the chicken suit dancing for the lady getting cut in half.

Last night I had to lay in a bed with Miranda July while she spooned me.  I was told to keep my eyes closed but they kept flying open. I was sure at any moment the whole audience would be laughing at me because I couldn’t hear the whispered directions that the stage manager was stage whispering too quietly at me.

When I was allowed to return to my seat having missed the group reading of the cue cards, Cats told me I looked really skinny up there.

I know she was lying but it made me feel better.  Because when you go to a Miranda July show, the audience is 95% hipsters and 5% people who think hipsters should eat more beef.  Guess which per cent I’m in.  In addition to that, Miranda July weighs about what my left leg weighs.  So… being spooned by a very skinny person is kind of awkward.  Especially when you know 96 people are watching you.  I will say however, for an audience full of hipsters, they were very non-judgemental.

*Cats is not an asshole.