I’ve been having some breast feeding issues.  I have great supply, and no issues getting Moe to latch, but his latch is extremely painful, to the point of me dreading feeding him.  I grit my teeth and grimly accept that every couple of hours I’m going to be in considerable pain and this will continue for the rest of my life (or you know, the next 6 months or so).

I did what any normal middle class woman would do.  I cried.  And felt sorry for myself. A lot.  And then asked my friends for recommendations.  The woman that was recommended is on vacation so I called the random person she suggested on her answering machine.  I figured what the fuck, it can’t be worse than 20 minutes of extreme agony every two hours, right?

This crooked little woman arrived at my house and I did my best to just breath.  We went through different latch techniques and she noted that his jaw is a little out of whack for easy breast feeding, then when we were done with all of my learning she noticed that he arches his back a lot.  During our initial conversation, I told her about his birth and that it was kind of traumatic for both of us.  She brought that up and said that because he was trapped on his way out he’s still struggling to find a comfortable place in this world.  I sort of get that.  I also sort of think it’s all kind of hokey.  She said she wanted to do a CranioSachral Therapy session with him and handed me a pamphlet.  I read it and basically she just puts her hands on his back and feels his spinal fluid and redirects the flow if there are blockages?  Honestly, I skimmed the thing.  It seemed pretty harmless and as a total believer in energy flow with acupuncture, I figured it couldn’t hurt.

She held him for a while, but he refused to get comfortable with her, so I sat next to her on our weird big loveseat chair/sofa and breast fed him while she touched his back gently.  Then she told me she was feeling some blockages or tightness around his abdomen… And reached underneath him and touched his umbilical cord.  His stump hasn’t fallen off yet at 3 weeks, which is kind of a long time, considering, and she said that this might be why.  Then, she started talking to his umbilical cord.

I know.  Don’t.  You guys, if I wasn’t a complete hormonal emotional mess myself, I would be laughing my ass off.  But as soon as she said, “You don’t have to hold on anymore, your job is done, Moses is safe,” I fucking lost it.  So I’m sitting there on a loveseat chair/sofa, tit out, with a strangers hand between my boobs, feeling Moe’s tummy, listening to her talk to his umbilical cord and sobbing.  If this was a scene in a movie, everyone would be like, “Los Angeles is crazy, but come on, this is taking things too far.” But there I was.  And she kept talking.  She talked to that umbilical cord.

Then, noticing the flood of snot and tears falling on her hand she started to work on me.  And she guided me through a visualization of Moe being born the old fashioned way.  And I sobbed the whole way through that too.

Then finally she went back to softly touching Moe’s back and she watched as he nursed in his sleep and decided that his jaw was loosening up.  Then she asked about my jaw.  HA.  FUCKING. HA.  I told her about my TMJ and my current cheek chewing situation and she told me that I needed to work on it so that Moe could relax too.

It’s all very synergistic and woo-woo stuff that you have to buy into or it won’t work.  But I will say, while I’m still an emotional mess when I really think about that trip to the OR, my boobs hurt a little less while he’s nursing and that is all that matters.  I think.