Awkwardly Social

I just sighed and said, “Oh god,” under my breath. Not a worried ‘oh god’ more of an ‘I’m so exhausted of myself and these dumb posts’ oh god.

The whole hospital bag thing is confusing to me.  Do you people have extra cosmetics and shit that you can just pack away and not use?  Because I don’t.  Also, my comfortable “coming home” clothes are the clothes I’m currently wearing to work.  Yes, I am wearing pajamas to work.  Basically.  I don’t care.  What I’m trying to say is, how can I pack my work pajamas when I need to wear them?  Also, I use my camera and my iPhone (mp3 player) daily.  How exactly would I pack those things before hand?  Am I really going to be so out of sorts I can’t throw my make-up and work pajamas into a bag while I’m having contractions?  No really, tell me honestly.  Do people just live really far from the hospital and their husbands can’t drive the 15 minutes home to get some shit you forgot?  (Obviously, I’m not talking about during labor, but during that time after the baby is born when he’ll probably need to go home and, I don’t know, check on the dog? Hmmm… maybe I need to make sure someone else can check on the dog? You guys, I am so clueless.)

I’m making a playlist for labor, but honestly right now I feel like every single song is just going to bug the shit out of me while I’m in pain.  Maybe I just need my rain mp3? Did you have awesome songs you loved on your playlist, or were you like fuck this shit everyone shut the fuck up?

I had my last appointment with my acupuncturist before she left for maternity leave, I’m going to miss her. I hope the ladies covering for her don’t bug the shit out of me.  Basically, everything and everyone does right now, so the odds are not in their favor.  Poor new ladies.

The dumb bassinet still hasn’t shipped.  What the hell, non-Amazon vendor?  7 days to get something shipped?  That seems… really old school.  I’m used to Amazon’s nearly instant shipment notification and 2 day free prime shipping.  The fact that everyone doesn’t do that makes me crazy.  Get on the ball, small time companies!  Or Amazon will gobble you up!

Seth “installed” the car seat and I got into the car, turned around and wiggled it and it slid about 3 inches back and forth and I was all, “IN WHAT UNIVERSE DOES THIS SEEM SAFE TO YOU?!” And he got all defensive and I was all grumpy and wow, parenting with me is going to be sooooooo fun, right?

These diapers are too small.  I’m scared.

I actually lost a pound this week.  Not sure what that’s about.

Please don’t let me go 2 weeks past my due date.  I am not a nice person to be around right now.

It’s all I can do to focus on the difficult task of finishing two episodes these days.  By the time I get home, I think to myself, oh, I should write about this!  And then I get distracted by the size my ankles and my dwindling Tums supply and before I know it I’ve purchased 10 more pairs of teeny tiny socks.

I have about 5 days and 3 hours of work left and the big question I get is what I’m planning on doing after the baby gets here.  And my big answer is, uh, hopefully one day still be employable?  Maybe 3 months from now, maybe 6?  Maybe… I’ll be a big shot movie producer and all of you will work for me?  Being a freelance producer has its downsides.  One of them being constantly looking for work and never feeling like you can turn down a job.  Also, being a mom and a freelance producer sounds really, really complicated, with a side of really scary that everyone knows I have a baby now and maybe they’ll think I can’t do my job well anymore.

Some of these feelings came up because of that article about women in high powered political positions who have sacrificed a lot for their careers and that “a lot” includes quality parenting time.

UGH.

Someone bring me my Tums!  I like the fruit flavored kind.  And have you seen the size of my ankles?

I had acupuncture on Friday and my feet were still swollen stumps by the end of the day.  As I was leaving work, the unborn started really banging on my cervix.  It took my breath away a few times and freaked out my 24 year old coworker when I paused and grabbed the desk and sort stood there and tried to breath.  By the time I got home I couldn’t get comfortable and I was feeling pretty shitty.  I went to the bathroom and noticed some blood.  Just a small amount, but the first time I’ve seen blood in… oh, since fertility treatments started.  I called the on call OB and was told to take it easy on Saturday and if it got worse or started feeling regular contractions to head to the hospital.  Well, that was a wake-up call, ladies and gents.  I could have this baby soon.  VERY SOON.

The baby is still in there and I am still uncomfortable and huge and sweaty and lumbering but I have two episodes to lock before I can be done with work (2 episodes equals 2 weeks…). (Cervix check this morning revealed a soft but closed cervix.)

Seth assembled the crib.  I ordered the bassinet. I canceled my baby shower (it was supposed to be next Sunday but I seriously cannot deal) some of you will think I’m crazy, other people will understand.   We’re going to do a baby coming out party sometime in September. I’m exhausted and cranky and uncomfortable but not at all ready to be unpregnant.

People keep asking me how far along I am and I say 9 months.  And they’re like, “WOAH, so you’re due like now?” and then I have to explain to them that pregnancy is 40 fucking weeks.  And they glaze over and just want to know my due date.  I’ve also had a couple of people tell me I don’t look that pregnant, which is hilarious, because COME ON.  Also, the baby is measuring in the normal range, so suck it!  My body just likes to modestly keep the baby close and not basketball it away from itself like some cute pregnant people I know.

The ankles are still a swelling and I’m uncomfortable about 30% of my day.  Which, to be honest isn’t really that terrible.  It’s just the cervix head bumps that are really making me gasp.  Lay off the cervix, kid.

I saw the doctor today and she reassured me that her c section rate is much lower than Cedars’ which makes me feel better.  That and the (slightly offensive?) reassurance from Seth that I have a good birthing body and a little distance from the class and I’m feeling much better.  Besides, if I have a c section, I have a c section.  Not much can be done by worrying over it. (Thanks for all the advice, by the way.  It’s been very, very helpful.)  And as Seth and I like to say (even though neither of us is remotely religious or in AA), “Let go and let god.”  We say it with a little irony, of course, but not so much as to be offensive (we hope).

The car seat arrived yesterday, but it is sitting in the box alongside the crib (also in the box) and I have yet to pull the trigger on the bassinet.  So, procrastination is still in effect.  My doctor is out of town next week, so the baby is on strict instructions NOT to be born while she is gone, and so if he is born next week, I will be so PISSED.  Her office has 6 (maybe 7?) doctors in practice with her, but I’ve never met any of them.  Her practice doesn’t work that way, she’s my doctor and does the delivery, they don’t trade days.  So, yeah, STAY INSIDE, kid.  You have some more cooking to do!  Thankfully I’ll see her Monday morning before she leaves, so if anything seems weird, we’ll know then that someone else will probably be handling the catching.  (Please don’t let that happen…)

Ok, then.  Here’s the bump.

So THIS is why people tell you being pregnant in the summer is kind of miserable! My feet, oh, my poor, poor feet.  The water retention is insane and now I can actually feel the water sort of shift around on the tops of my feet when I walk barefoot, which is pretty disconcerting.  I had acupuncture on Friday which supposedly helps, but I think I’m just at that point where it’s going to be ol’ elephant foot around here until this guy is on the outside. Anybody have any great advice for making this go away?  Because I’m all ears (and feet).

We had our first birth class on Saturday.  I’m the farthest along.  There was one woman I tweeted about who seriously wanted to know if she could check how far she was dilated herself.  Her reason?  She didn’t want to get to the hospital only to be sent home.  Um, lady?  Let’s just take this one as it comes, alright? The birth coach gave some kind of depressing statistics to our class, out of the 13 couples there 4 or 5 of us would end up having a c section.  The hospital I’m delivering in has a very high rate of caesarean, which kind of depresses me.  I’d rather not have to recover from major abdominal surgery while dealing with a newborn.  I had a hard enough time with my tiny ear surgery a year and a half ago, I can’t imagine what having a baby taken out the hatch will do to my mental health.  I’m trying to stay calm about the whole thing because whatever happens happens, healthy alive baby is the goal, but yeah… Those of you who’ve had c sections, how bad was the recovery in that first couple of weeks?  Did you have help at home?  Seth will likely be working and my sister might not be able to get here immediately. (And yes I know about the FMLA, but we work in an industry where taking FML means likely not having a job when you’re done.  Show biz!  Being in a union helps but he hasn’t worked a union job in about 6 months and won’t be on the next one.)

The other weird thing at the birth class was there was only one girl out of those of us who knew the sex (4 couples chose to wait until the baby was born).  Only 1!  Dragon girls are going to be rare!

Seth has basically tried to put me on bed rest which is totally rubbing me the wrong way.  I had to break it to him today that my doctor has not put me on bed rest and he is not my doctor so I am allowed to be out of bed.  Don’t get me wrong, having a concerned husband is awesome, but I’d like to be able to swiffer these floors, because they don’t seem to be cleaning themselves.

Last week marked the end of being able to wear my wedding rings.  I could probably get them on today if I tried, but I figured it was best to just put them away until after he gets here.

I think that’s all I have to report.  Bump photo!