My old friend Beth* e-mailed me to wish me a happy statehood day. Arizona, for all its wackiness, is a romantic at heart.
Her e-mail prompted me to realize how I’ve been doing lately. She always asks me how I’m doing and she really wants to know. And you guys, I’m doing really well. So well in fact I have been thinking to myself, “Oh! So THIS is what it feels like to not be depressed. OH!”
Obviously, I still have my general anxiety and I still have moments of not being able to imagine leaving the house (my undiagnosed agoraphobia) but for the most part the pregnancy hormones have given me such a happiness lift that instead of LONG stretches of not going outside except to walk the dog and hurrying back in, I have been seeking out activities that have me out of the house for long stretches. It’s downright revolutionary.
I hate to jinx it, or put a fuzzy memory glow on the shitshow that my first trimester was (and yeah, I realize all things considered it wasn’t actually THAT bad), but, I kinda like being pregnant.
I had a few days of being uncomfortable trying to get to sleep, but I changed to a different pillow and I only have to flop once or twice before I’m under. I have mild heartburn just about every night, but that’s something a few dietary changes would fix (ice cream for dessert!). I have to get up 2 times a night to pee because I cannot seem to remember to drink enough water during the day and by 7pm I’m so thirsty I drink too much water and my bladder is all, “What up, lady?”at 2am and 4am. But these are all very fine trade offs for feeling like a normal human being the rest of the time. A normal functioning member of society.
I don’t want to be one of those women who’s all, PREGNANCY IS A MAGICAL TIME! Because yeah, we know, but this whole mood enhancement has really made me feel pretty incredible. So much so that I’m pretty sure if after pregnancy I don’t feel this good, I’m heading right to a shrink and getting on meds, immediately. I am so happy right now, it’s a game changer.
I forgot how nice it is to feel good. And that is very, very sad. But also, happy because HELLO, this is fixable.
*Beth, contrary to what she’ll tell you, is not old, she has just known me for a LONG time, we rode the bus (!) together to the main campus at Arizona State… Then she made me take this tiny seminar class that had only 5 people in it and about 600 pages of reading a week and about 10 pages of writing a week and she DROPPED IT! Leaving me to have to do 600 pages of reading a week and 10 pages of writing a week all by myself and get asked in depth questions about it because now there were only 4 people in the class. And if I remember correctly it was all about the symbolism of money in literature. Oh man, college!