Awkwardly Social

Well, there’s no denying there’s a baby boy in there now.  I had the 20 week structural ultrasound on Thursday and the doctor confirmed we are indeed having a baby, his heart has four chambers, he is the proud owner of 2 kidneys and he’s got a face.

I’ve also gained more weight and am starting to feel a few aches and lower back pains because of it, this does not bode well for the coming weeks unless I can somehow magically get into better shape 6 months ago.  OH. WELL.

My sister invited me to come up to stay with her during the long holiday weekend to go baby shopping and movie watching. We were joined by my sister’s best friend Cassie who is like our sister from another mother. I spent a lot of time in the back seat of my sister’s Subaru station wagon as a kid listening to them sing songs from Edie Brickell’s first album and the Little Mermaid soundtrack.  They were pretty much my idols. Cassie lives in Arizona with her husband and two (hilarious) daughters, and I haven’t seen her since my sister’s wedding.  WHICH WAS 12 YEARS AGO.

(Her daughters picked the onesie.  They are my people, for sure.)

Obviously I’ve kept up with her through Facebook and e-mail here and there, but having her and my sister together here giving me their baby advice was exactly what I needed. I sat in the back seat and soaked it in. I wish we all lived closer.

And while I’m feeling a little sad about that, I’ll also say that being in Seattle for the first time since my mom died has been kind of emotionally fraught.  We visited the graveyard yesterday and I got to see the stone in person and leave some flowers.  This weekend would have been so fun for her, and she would have NEVER let us see the movies we’ve been going to. My Oscar viewing card would have been filled instead.  I miss her.

So, yesterday, I hit the halfway mark and I’m definitely feeling heavy these days.  I do not recognize this belly in the mirror.  And the baby moves like crazy.

I have a hot date with a couple of kids to see a couple movies today.  We must indoctrinate them in the Blaich movie marathon technique or they will forever be single movie viewers like everyone else.

My old friend Beth* e-mailed me to wish me a happy statehood day.  Arizona, for all its wackiness, is a romantic at heart.

Her e-mail prompted me to realize how I’ve been doing lately.  She always asks me how I’m doing and she really wants to know.  And you guys, I’m doing really well.  So well in fact I have been thinking to myself, “Oh! So THIS is what it feels like to not be depressed. OH!”

Obviously, I still have my general anxiety and I still have moments of not being able to imagine leaving the house (my undiagnosed agoraphobia) but for the most part the pregnancy hormones have given me such a happiness lift that instead of LONG stretches of not going outside except to walk the dog and hurrying back in, I have been seeking out activities that have me out of the house for long stretches. It’s downright revolutionary.

I hate to jinx it, or put a fuzzy memory glow on the shitshow that my first trimester was (and yeah, I realize all things considered it wasn’t actually THAT bad), but, I kinda like being pregnant.

I had a few days of being uncomfortable trying to get to sleep, but I changed to a different pillow and I only have to flop once or twice before I’m under. I have mild heartburn just about every night, but that’s something a few dietary changes would fix (ice cream for dessert!). I have to get up 2 times a night to pee because I cannot seem to remember to drink enough water during the day and by 7pm I’m so thirsty I drink too much water and my bladder is all, “What up, lady?”at 2am and 4am.  But these are all very fine trade offs for feeling like a normal human being the rest of the time.  A normal functioning member of society.

I don’t want to be one of those women who’s all, PREGNANCY IS A MAGICAL TIME! Because yeah, we know, but this whole mood enhancement has really made me feel pretty incredible.  So much so that I’m pretty sure if after pregnancy I don’t feel this good, I’m heading right to a shrink and getting on meds, immediately.  I am so happy right now, it’s a game changer.

I forgot how nice it is to feel good.  And that is very, very sad.  But also, happy because HELLO, this is fixable.

*Beth, contrary to what she’ll tell you, is not old, she has just known me for a LONG time, we rode the bus (!) together to the main campus at Arizona State… Then she made me take this tiny seminar class that had only 5 people in it and about 600 pages of reading a week and about 10 pages of writing a week and she DROPPED IT! Leaving me to have to do 600 pages of reading a week and 10 pages of writing a week all by myself and get asked in depth questions about it because now there were only 4 people in the class. And if I remember correctly it was all about the symbolism of money in literature.  Oh man, college!

I spent a quick weekend scouting a location and doing interviews in the Superstition Mountains.

It was pretty great to be in the Arizona desert and while at first I couldn’t feel the pull to Arizona, by the end it felt a little sad to leave.  I got over it of course when I got off the plane and got to see my Seth and my dumb dog.

I put on QUITE a bit of weight (pretty much entirely this weekend as I shoved my face with burritos and Indian fry bread) this week and am hoping now that I’m not trapped in a car and on an airplane I’ll be able to level off and not get too carried away.

Here’s a photo of what I looked like about 3 years ago.

And here is me now.

Oh, baby!

Oh, Universe! You are hilarious!

I had a check up today and when we were ushered into our room I noticed no ultrasound machine hovering next to the exam table.  I asked the nurse and she said my next ultrasound with my doctor wouldn’t be until 32 weeks (!) and that she would just be listening to the heartbeat.

GRUMP TOWN.

The appointment was fine and we got our second trimester blood results back, coupled with our first trimester blood work and added up with our nuchal fold results our T21 chances are 1 in 9500.  Our T18 chances are 1 in 100,000.  Given amnio’s statistics of around 1 in 1000 to 1 in 2800 (depending on which studies you look at for our area) resulting in miscarriage I think we’re decided and not doing an amnio.

After all of that discussion Seth told Jessica that I was sad I wasn’t getting an ultrasound because I wanted to know the sex. She took pity on me! As she was leaving the room she said, “Let me see if I have a machine available.” Moments later I was getting an ultrasound of my baby’s ass. Baby is (was?) ass out at the moment which is why I feel like I’m getting butt bumped every evening from the inside.   She couldn’t tell for certain but she thinks she saw boy parts.  He (?) was moving quite a bit so it isn’t 100 percent, but she’s pretty confident.  Commenter Laura on this post should feel very smug! I will say shock was the feeling of the moment.  I just could not imagine any other answer other than, “you’re having a girl.” Jessica was like, “I like having a boy.  They’re kind of better, my son is really sweet and loveable.  My niece is kind of mean.” Ha!

So we’re 90 percent sure we’re having a boy. Which, obviously is fantastic news.  And obviously is going to be the best baby.  We have a couple of boy names we like and we’re planning on using my mom’s name as a middle name. Meanwhile I’m mourning the loss of pink tutu onesies and getting used to the idea of blue pinstripes.  (I mean, my Yankees wear pinstripes, they can’t be all bad, right?)

A boy!

I saw my dentist this morning and after banging on my teeth and various other ways to determine I am not a proud owner of an exposed nerve, she decided I have somehow managed to strain a jaw muscle.  Probably from yawning too hard.

That’s right, ladies and gents, I’m a hard yawner.  The hardest yawner around!  I bet if there was a Crossfit for yawning, I would own that place.

So basically, I have to continue with the soft foods diet (more cheesy grits for me! hooray!) and do “moist heat” for 30 minutes a day and take it easy on the yawning.  She showed me how to yawn, you guys.  I have to put my fist to my chin when I’m yawning to keep my mouth from opening fully so I don’t make my injury worse!  (Who has bad yawning form? ME. That’s who.)  We’re going to reassess in a month when I get a cleaning.  (Another item checked off my to do list!)

I feel like I dodged the jaw cancer bullet and ran right into the you’re an idiot who can’t even yawn right bullet. I’ll take the latter any day.

Even though I feel like I just look tubby and not pregnant, there is no mistaking the bump is getting bigger.  I lost a pound this week probably because the soft foods diet prevented me from eating all of the bread.  Technically you would think bread is a soft food, but it is not as soft as cheesy grits, which is basically what I survived on this week.  One day I had 6 servings of cheesy grits. That was the day I dropped a pat of butter on Lula’s head and was unable to get most of it out, so I had to cook her and eat her.  Oh wait, dog meat is not on the soft foods diet, she was saved… for NOW. That buttery little beast…

I’ve also been feeling some fluttery feelings in my stomach, sometimes I’m sure that they are merely gas burbling though my innards, but other times, I’m like, “Was that my baby’s ass?  Ass bumping me?”

I alternate between being on the grumpy side and on the chipper side sometimes minute to minute.  It’s fun! It’s a manic depressive roller coaster!

I have a doctor’s appointment this week and I’m hoping we’ll get an ultrasound and be able to peep the sex.  I feel like everyone is always, “Oh, I just want a healthy baby.” But I’m straight up wanting a girl right now, that’s not weird, right?  I mean, I’ll get used to the idea of a boy and love having a boy or whatever, but when people ask me what I want I’m all, “GIRL!” Is this because I am a girl, or because I have a sister, or because I have nieces?  Who the eff knows? I think mostly it’s because I LOVE the girl name we have picked out. This means I’m having a boy, doesn’t it? Whatever.

(Above 17w5d and full of beans)

(Above 18 weeks)

It’s been almost a year since I had my ear hacked off, my ear drum grafted, and my ear sewn back on.  That whole agonizing process has made me a little paranoid about the left side of my head, so when my left jaw started hurting about a week ago, I took my antibiotic ear drops and hoped it was a slight infection and would go away.  By Saturday morning I couldn’t chew on the left side and opening my mouth too wide to shove things in it (mind out of the gutter! food things) would cause me to fall to the floor grasping my jaw in pain. So, I made an appointment to see my surgeon and hoped it was something simple like an ear infection not an early indication of jaw bone cancer.

My doctor loves my ear drum so much.  He is so damned proud of it.  And apparently my ear is infection free.  After a little wax clean up, he proclaimed me completely healthy but that I probably have TMJ. Which… UGH. He asked if my husband said I was grinding my teeth or if I have ever had TMJ before. I have not. He suggested I take Advil.  I cannot take Advil (which apparently would help me right away, he scoffed at Tylenol) and I’ve been given a prescription of a soft foods diet and heat on the left side of my face.  If it doesn’t get better in 2 weeks I’m supposed to go back and see him.

Last night I woke up and realized I was clenching my jaw.  I’m a little stressed about a few things, but nothing more than I normally am, so apparently now because I’m pregnant, my body has found a way to tell me to stop being stressed. I guess?

Has anyone had TMJ? Did you have to get a mouth guard to correct it, or did it go away on its own?  Please tell me this is only temporary.  I wanna eat crunchy things again.