Awkwardly Social

Every day I don’t feel queasy I worry that the baby has died.  Saturday and today were two of those days.

Yesterday I was supposed to “graduate” from my fertility clinic to my normal OB, but because my doctor is a little scattered at times, that was incorrect information.  I really like my doctor, but Jesus, man, get it straight.  I believe this is why he has such long pauses after everything he says, because, yeah, he has a LOT of patients and yeah, my chart is now about 500 pages.  (Give or take a 100.) So, now I have to go in on Friday for my “final” ultrasound.  Which, of course has me quaking in my boots.

What if it is… not alive?   Well, it will kind of ruin Disneyland for the whole family is all.  My sister and her husband and kids are meeting us in Anaheim for some family fun time.  Fancy hotel and Disney parks sounded like such a good idea when they didn’t fall the weekend after an ultrasound of doom.

So, pretty much I’ve decided that the weekend will be ruined and I’ll spend the whole two days sullying my near perfect Disneyland record of happy fun times. This means I’m a pessimist.  I know.  I just can’t figure out how you optimists deal with the bad stuff, do you just cheerily say, “Oh well! Better things are yet to come!” and tra la la down the lane? Because that sounds really fucking crazy to me.

Three more sleeps until the ultrasound of doom. Here’s hoping I feel shitty tomorrow.

I’ve been reading blogs this morning, and I’ve seen a lot of people comment on how hard 2011 has been but how they still have things they’re thankful for.  And, yes.  Ditto.  But I’d be lying if I didn’t confess to having a heavy heart this year.

This year has been full of loss for me and I’m now that I’m having a rough time with my pregnancy, I’m feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

So, forgive me for the sap.

I’m thankful for my husband, who holds my hand through dark times and light.

I’m thankful for my sister, who is excited when I am not.

I’m thankful for my family, who is fucked up and crazy and smart and giving.

I’m thankful for my friends, who when I miss their birthdays don’t hold it against me.

I’m thankful for my doctors, who have managed to make what seemed like something impossible feel nearly possible.

I’m thankful for my dog, who only annoys me 5% of the time and that is only because I made her that way.

I’m thankful for you internets, who have cheered me on and kept me company.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Still apparently gestating? I need some kind of window into there so I can keep an eye on things, but no doctors seem willing to take me up on it.

My hives have not stopped. In fact, right now, I’m wishing for one of those mini hand back scratchers.

I had a furious case of heartburn today after I mowed down a handful of chocolate chips, so I think it might be safe to say all joy has been removed from my life.

I’m queasy in the morning and queasy in the evening but not enough to puke.  Just sort of feel unsettled.

And that’s about all I have to report.

The rain started this morning as a bit of a drizzle, pleasantly plinking away at our trashcans.  Then it became a downpour, pounding so hard that our DirecTV went out.  Our DirecTV never goes out.

We went to peek out the front window and my car was underwater up to halfway up the hubcaps.  Two minutes later the water had reached the door.  Seth went out to try and move it.

He had to crawl in through the trunk.  He said the bottom was completely filled.  Like a fish tank.  And of course it wouldn’t start.

He scraped the leaves out of the sewer grate (while he was knee deep in water) and now the street has returned to near normal.

Who knows if my car ever will.

After waiting an hour to get my ultrasound (AN HOUR, the hell, scheduling people?) I finally slipped into the stirrups and spread ‘em.  It always seems to take this tech a while to find what she’s looking for, I think my large ovaries are a distraction.  Is that it? Nope, just another HUGE ovary getting in the way.

She finally focused in and said, “Ok, so there’s a heartbeat.”

Seth gave a huge exhale and I scrutinized the screen, I saw no heart beating, or did I? I couldn’t tell, and at this point my skeptical nature in the ultrasound room, I’m sure, has lost its charm.  She took a reading of the heartbeat - 130 bpm (which after I googled it, seems high, so of course I just freaked myself out).

Then I got dressed (I just wrote we, like Seth had taken his pants off in solidarity in the ultrasound room) and we waited to see the doctor.  That sounded ominous to me for some reason.  Raul, our blood guy, came into the waiting room and said, “As soon as you see the doctor we’ll take your blood, just in case.”

We finally got in to see the doctor and he gave us all the stats, the baby is measuring at 6w5d and I’m 6w6d, so supposedly that’s fine.  Catch up little baby!

Then we went and had a celebratory meal of McDonald’s.  Do not judge me.  I am paying for it in pain and indigestion now.  Seth was appalled that I wanted to eat McDonald’s.  I am not happy with myself, either.  But whatever.  I needed that fake beef and questionable pickle with a cheese like substance sandwich.  NEEDED it.

The doctor called later this afternoon with my blood results after scaring me earlier today by ordering a liver function and liver panel (because of the itching) and told me that my estrogen is still really high which is probably causing my horrible affliction. And that my liver function looks good.

So, unless I start spotting, I am due for one more round of blood work at the fertility doctor and then I can finally graduate to the OB/GYN. I’m not counting any chickens yet.  Just excited I’ve made it farther than I’ve ever made it before.

I leveled up.

 I think there was a ghost in the acupuncture room today.  I woke up twice to someone snoring, right next to me. So, it was either me, waking myself up with own snoring, or a ghost who was so bored with me that he joke snored next to my face.  Then the sound machine stopped and started up again.  Then, after I fell asleep again, I woke up with my arm being lifted and dropped back on my stomach. Then the bed moved.  So, it was kind of a creepy session, all told.

I think I’ve narrowed down my hive situation.  I did pretty well all day today until I had some saltines and a Sprite. And then became covered in hives. This was after acupuncture, so it’s possible the ghost came home with me and hates my guts, or it’s possible I’m allergic to something in saltines or Sprite.

I mean, maybe it’s all going to go away tomorrow when we find out for sure if there’s a heartbeat or not. I can only hope.

1. Take it Queasy - The Eagles

2. Peaceful Queasy Feeling - The Eagles

3. I’m Queasy - Keith Carradine

I guess that’s it.  Only three songs, two by the Eagles. What is up with the Eagles and songs about being queasy.  Have you ever noticed how funny the word queasy is? It’s like queso, but greasy. Queasy.  Del Taco should call their quesadillas - queasies.

I have the Night Queasies. I also still have the hives.  I also started taking my prenatal vitamin again, because I got freaked out that I haven’t been taking it and I’ll take hives over a neural tube defect.

I don’t care if you aren’t being your best you.  I think the pressure to be your best you is a tool of the patriarchy.

If you are being you, there is no other you that you can be.  Can you be a better you?  What does that even mean? It means someone is marketing something to you.  It means someone want to sell something to you.  It means someone wants to make you feel badly about yourself so you will buy their product.  It also means you’re letting people tell you aren’t good enough.

Are you good enough?  Probably. I think I’m good enough. Do I run every day? No.  Do I make myself do the hard things? Sometimes.  Do I wish I could do more? Absolutely.  But do I need someone to make me feel bad because I haven’t checked off everything off my list? Hells no.

Listen, I think it’s great to try to improve yourself.  I think if you want to see the Nile, fuck yeah.  But I don’t think because you never have been able to see the Nile that you aren’t being your best you.  I think you’re dealing with your family, your job, your life, your whatever.  The life you’re currently living is the best.

You be you.

So, this morning, everything was fine and I took my medication that needs to be taken on an empty stomach, scratched some hives and started to feel a little queasy.

I put a load of laundry into the washer and threw up in my mouth.  It seems like maybe I might be getting a little morning sickness?  And that is turning into a little evening sickness?

So, symptom watch 2011 continues - hives, heartburn, and queasiness. I’m a peach!

My heartburn has returned.

So, current tally is hives, heartburn and extreme irritability.

At one point today I was topless covered in hives and scratching myself and yelling at Seth. It was… not my finest moment.

I start working again tomorrow, I’m hoping new job will take my mind off all of this.  Oh! And I get to work from home. So, if I have to take my bra off and sit topless covered in hives, it’s a total possibility.