If you read my twitter page, you already know that I am on a ‘cleanse.’ Long time readers also know that I am an obsessive personality and that I have (boring!) body image issues. I’ve been trying to be easier on myself recently and I managed to be so forgiving that I gained 10 (cough15cough) pounds back that I had lost through extreme diet and exercise around this time last year. The way I lost that weight was pretty unhealthy and (clearly!) impossible to maintain on a daily basis. Add to that, I was probably too thin for my body type but of course I loved it. My body likes to be curvier, I know because when I don’t obsessively monitor what I eat and intensively exercise 6 days a week, I gain weight slowly but surely right back where my body likes it - my butt, my boobs, my thighs. (Look for my rap album to drop under the same title next fall!) My body was complaining when I was too thin, I couldn’t sleep, I was anxious all the time, xanax wasn’t working, it was - except for my fucked up love of seeing all my bones - not good. So, I relaxed, gained some weight, then I REALLY relaxed and gained some more. Ah, happiness, why do you have to be so plump?
All of this is made worse by living in the capital of self-absorbed women who like to talk about what they are doing to make themselves less. Less is more in the city of angels. And I’m trying to get to a place where what I eat, and what I weigh isn’t the thing that I think about obsessively all day long. Because really? It’s boring. No one really cares to hear about why you can’t eat the damned cupcake. Just politely decline and move on. Or eat it. Whatever. Just stop talking about the cupcake and how you wish you could eat it.
Anyway, I heard from a friend about this cleanse and I told her I wasn’t interested. I do not juice. I do not drink maple syrup and lemon juice. I do not fast. But she convinced me that I should check it out, because Gwyneth Paltrow recommended it. So I did a little research and was like, weight loss? Sign me up! (I am a work in progress.)
I am on day 4 of a 21 day cleanse. Plus I did a pre-cleanse for 4 days. I’ve lost 3-5 pounds, depending on which pre-cleanse weight you want to say was THE pre-cleanse weight. But it’s not just the weight, reading the book has made me kind of a cult member. I totally am buying into the idea that if I do this cleanse, I’ll be healthier. The new me will be less anxious, less focused on what I “should” and “shouldn’t” eat. The end of the cleanse will make me into a non-anorexic, non-overeating, non-obsessive thinking human. Which is what I want to be. Life List #22!
So far, I find the diet restrictions difficult but not undoable. I’ve basically cut out all chemicals, caffeine, processed food, sugar, wheat, dairy and other foods that many people are allergic to, added a shit-ton of fiber to my diet (pun intended), and for 21 days will be drinking two of my meals (and not in the good way where I used to drink my dinner of 2 vodka martinis and a couple of olives). I’m trying a new meditation technique, and I’m drastically reducing my television watching (thank god the baseball season is over). The only side effect is I feel a little tired, and I’m not sure how to get through 2 days at Disneyland with all of those Mickey pretzels and Main Street ice cream calling to me. Other than that, I feel good.
The biggest problem with getting brainwashed by one of these “programs” is now I find myself wanting to convert everyone. I want everyone to get off their prescribed meds! I want everyone to poop 3 times a day! I want everyone to eat Clean. If nothing else, check out the book. It was a best seller, maybe you already own it.