Published by admin on 16 Jul 2010
Summer has finally arrived in Los Angeles. This morning as I walked out into the muggy, rain speckled morning, and felt the weight of the air, I flashed to summers spent in the mid-west, playing cards in the basement with my sister and cousin, riding bikes to the corner store to buy pop-rocks and blasting through a huge stack of novels. I had a special childhood in many ways, a charmed life, I have so many good things to remember and summertime brings it all flooding back.
I felt very sad about not getting pregnant in June. I was so sure I would. I boo-hooed about it for a day then I read an article about a study conducted that said women without children are far happier than those with. Even worse, women with children are the least happy when they are physically with their children. I’m sure there are about a 100 other studies going on right now to figure out why that is true or if it is untrue, and I can guarantee it has something to do with this new theory I’m forming about the bill of goods sold to women of my generation and (I expect) the generations following. The bill of goods that says you can have it all, you can be whatever you want, you can find the man of your dreams, you can live the picture perfect life and not only that, if you don’t - if you aren’t all of these things - a mother, a college educated career driven woman, and a wildcat in the sack with your loving devoted husband - you aren’t trying hard enough, and you’re a failure. Hard to believe women would be unhappy when we’re expected to do all of these things and the men of our generation are promised that we will be all of these things - and they don’t have to do one damned thing different except not open the door for us. It’s a theory I’m still fleshing out, but when I start to really think about it, I start to really get pissed off.
Mostly though, the past few weeks have been spent trying to respect myself. I learned something about this in therapy. I spend a large part of my day finding fault with myself. The part about therapy that really started to get me down, was that I was expected to wallow in the failures of my upbringing. Wallow in the ways in which I could blame everyone around me for why I am the way I am. Why I don’t like being who I am a lot of the time. I want to be perfect. I want to be thin, funny, smart, talented, productive, positive and loved. I’m working on the productive and positive parts. I can admit I’m smart, I can admit I’m talented, I have been praised for my comedic timing, I believe I’m loved and even though I want to be thin, I can at least recognize that my body dysmorphic disorder is often in overdrive and I’m learning to love my shape. But I want it all. I want to be able to do the triathlon - but the fact that I have to skip the swim upsets me. I won’t be perfect. I’ll be pussing out for part of it. I am working on forgiving myself for this. I’m working on forgiving myself for not taking care of my body while I’ve been nursing my depression and my stress. But moreover - I’m trying to accept the fact that I’ll likely never look like an athlete/model/actress. It helps that I get to laugh every day with my friend who sits directly across from me at the work, and my Seth who sleeps next to me. I’ve started running again, after my injury time off. My ear was bothering me so much that I didn’t want to get out of bed, much less work my ass off trying to keep up with Seth. But now I can and it feels so good. Blazing down beautiful streets at dusk with the dude and the dog I love.
I am a lucky girl.
Every night we sit on our front stoop with Lula between us, watching the Hasidic Jews walk by, drinking a tall glass of ice water and basking in these special days we have here together. In 25 years I’ll look back and have these to add to my long list of nostalgia. And I’m so very glad.