Published by admin on 30 Jun 2010
When you check in at the House Ear Clinic, there is a sign that basically says, “Look, we know you’re here because you’re having some ear problems, let us know if you need us to come tap you on the shoulder when we call your name, because you very well might be too deaf to hear the lady call you.” I felt good that I was at least not so deaf that I couldn’t hear the lady call my name.
First, I had to get a hearing test. It was hard, y’all. I am terrible at the Opthamologists office, when they’re like 1 or 2, this or that, and in this one, it’s not a multiple choice. It’s just, can you hear this? We don’t tell you when to expect it, do you hear it? Anything? How about now? What about this? Can you repeat this word? (What word?) And on and on.
She lead me back to the waiting room and I told Seth I was completely fucked that I had to repeat words and I couldn’t fucking HEAR them. And there were no 2nd chances!
We got called to the front of the waiting room in a group of 5 people, and I thought, what the hell is this? Group hearing therapy? But she separated us off and we waited in a freezing cold room. Doctors like things to be cold. I guess it’s better than sitting in a room and sweating.
When Dr. Goddard (the cutest doctor I’ve had in a long time. Maybe ever. Like farm boy, central casting, cute doctor cute) came in he told us he works with Dr. Friedman (the doctor I’d been referred to) and that he was going to look in my ear and he did. And he said, “Oh, there it is, it’s not that bad.” Which is way better than what my other ENT did, which was go, “WOAH. THAT’S A BIG ONE!” He talked to me about my ear and Seth made him blush when he did some tests by touching my face, Seth bellowed out, “Don’t you touch her!” He giggled.
He told me that because of the location of the hole in my ear drum that surgery is recommended. The reason is, skin can grow into my ear canal and fuck things up, like cause my face to go paralyzed. And ever since this girl in high school had Bells Palsy, I’ve been afraid of facial droopy paralysis situations. Then Seth asked him, “What would you do?” And he said, “If you were my sister, I’d tell you to have the surgery.” And I was like, I can be your sister…. I can be whoever you want me to be. (But I only said that in my head.)
Then, he pulled out my hearing test. And he said, all dramatically, “So, let’s talk about your hearing.” And I was thinking, oh here it comes, I’m gonna get fitted for hearing aids today. He looked very serious, and he said, “In your right ear [the good one] you have above average hearing.” And he showed me the chart, and I was like, “Are you saying, I’m like a superhuman in my right ear? Like I have an A++ in that ear?” And he smiled and said, “Yes. Your hearing is excellent in that ear, and that is why you are perceiving the difference in your left ear, which is also still in the average range, just slightly lower than the right.” Basically, I’m not only not deaf, I have one bionic ear and one average human ear. Woo! (I’ve been bragging about this all day.)
So we consulted with the surgeon, Dr. Friedman, and he used a fancy magnifying and projecting ear looking thingy and I got to see it on a TV screen. The ear is kind of cruddy looking inside there. It’s gross, and now I can’t even use q-tips. I was contemplating how one cleans one’s cruddy dirty looking holey ear when Dr. F took a phone call wherein he had reason to name drop his brother. When he got off the phone, Seth said, “You’re Robby’s brother? I knew him when he was at Warner’s.” And Dr. Friedman said, “Yeah, I want his life.” And I was like, fuck that! You’re a damned surgeon, he’s just the head of a billion dollar studio. His parents must be so proud.
So, I’m waiting to hear (pun intended) when I’m going to have this surgery. And when I’m going to get married. Because there’s a whole health insurance situation that’s going to need to be squared away. Who’s got their marrying license?