Published by admin on 29 May 2010
A while ago a few of my friends ganged up on a single friend of ours, signed her up for all of the dating services, and began to troll the internet for eligible bachelors. I took my turn skimming through photos of single Jewish men in the Los Angeles area and clicked on a picture of a writer I thought my friend would like. Once the photo became more than a thumbnail, I shrieked, “He’s MARRIED!” Everyone turned and looked at me, all rushing around the computer to see the asshole who was trolling for single women while his wife blissfully believed he was in love, and if not, at the very least faithful.
“Or, he was, the last time I saw him!”
“How long ago was that?”
“Um… 5 years ago?”
The questioner laughed and said, “I was happily married five years ago and now I’m waiting for my divorce papers to arrive.”
I trolled through his profile, trying to figure out if he had really divorced the woman or if he was a fraud, a faker, a J-date troller. Or, if he was doing it for research. He was, in fact, a writer. None of the other tidbits made sense though, he used to have pitbulls not Shelties. He used to live in the farthest reaches of the farthest reaches of the outskirts of Los Angeles, not Sherman Oaks, for godsakes. Maybe he was divorced. I told my friend who was manning the J-Date profile to ask him out for our friend. I wanted to know more. I wanted to spy on him through my friend.
I was refused.
My friends said if I knew him so well, I should just e-mail him. “Well,” I responded, “the last time I did that he never returned my e-mail, the asshole, and maybe now I know why! Maybe because he was going through a horrible divorce and didn’t want me to know.”
I slunk off to my desk and began stalking him on facebook to no avail. Then, I began stalking his wife. Her profile wasn’t private. She listed herself as being MARRIED.
What. The. Fuck?
I looked at my waiting for divorce papers friend and asked him how long it took him to change his status. He shrugged. I got the feeling he’d still have it listed as married if he had a choice.
When Louie broke up with me he almost immediately changed his status on facebook to single, which, since we were facebook linked, sent ice through my veins. My blood rushed to my face, and I was horrified. He told the world and I was notified by facebook that my status needed to be fixed. They couldn’t have me running around saying I was dating someone, when in fact, I WASN’T.
Seth doesn’t use facebook. I will never have to change my relationship status based on his simple button click. I hope he never leaves me, but if he does, at least facebook won’t know about it.
I wonder what’s really going on with the formerly loving couple with four pitbulls. Is he merely trolling the dating sites without his wife’s knowledge for a thrill, is he doing it for a script, is he divorced, does she not want to change her status just yet to avoid questions from distant acquaintances? It’s all so intriguing to me, and yet, I can’t bring myself to write the e-mail saying, “I saw you on J-Date, does your wife know?”