It’s easy to get low self-esteem in Los Angeles. I am surrounded by size double 0 women. Women who don’t eat. Women who eat only vegetables. Women who eat but throw up. Women who eat whatever they want but look like models anyway. Beautiful skinny women are the foundation that Los Angeles is built upon. Say what you will about the past and how it was all different then, that women were curvy. I’ve heard it all, but fuck it, women in Los Angeles were always thin. And by the way, Marilyn Monroe was not even close to a size 12.
Guess what size I was for the past, oh, all my adult damned life, um, it’s scary for me to write this, but here goes nothing - a not so perfect size 12. I even feel the need to tell you, as if I need to justify it, that only my pants were sized 12. My tops, I could fit into anything from a large to a small. Never extra-small because these tits weren’t made for extra-small, but yeah, the pants were a size 12.
It seems like such a harmless number, the number 12, but let me tell you, in Los Angeles, when you’re looking for a size and the nice (pinched, skinny) sales lady asks if she can help you find it, when you say 12, it’s kind of like saying, HEY, I’m a big fat person, I’m lucky Wild Bill didn’t see me or my big fat person skin would be adorning his dress form right now.
When I went to get my expensive dress to wear to the Oscars, I had been training for the marathon for 2 months. I had lost some weight, and I was feeling good. I went to BCBG in Beverly Hills because I had no idea where to start. In the nicer stores in Beverly Hills you don’t have sizes out. They get the sizes for you. I was fucked. I couldn’t just casually grab a size and scurry into a dressing room. I had to engage with a sales woman. I had to tell her my size OUT LOUD. I felt ashamed (ASHAMED!) to tell her what size dress I wore. To be honest, I didn’t really know. I told her I wore a 10. The biggest size they had was an 8. The first one I tried on was too tarty for me, and it sort of fit, but was not something I would have felt comfortable wearing, so I tried on the next one. The blue one. The one I spent way too much money on. I didn’t feel fat in it. I didn’t look fat in it. But something in the back of my mind told me, “You are wearing the largest size in the store, what a fatty.” I wore a ’support garment’ underneath it.
I’m going to Vancouver this weekend to hang out with Kristin, a woman I admire in so many ways. When we first met, here in LA, I felt like I had known her for a million years and we had a billion things to catch up on, but that’s blogging for you. You read and support the people you would love and appreciate in real life. The thing is, Kristin is skinny and tall and goddamnit, she’s pretty.
I went through my closet a few weeks ago and got rid of pretty much everything that made me feel bad about myself when I wore it. This left… not a lot to wear. I’ve lost weight in the past few months. Hard work, running with Lula every night and (this is the weirdest thing, but I think it’s relevant) not watching TV have brought me within 10 pounds of my goal weight. My Los Angeles Dream Weight is only a mere 10 pounds away. Seeing as I’ve lost 8 pounds in the last four months, it doesn’t seem so unattainable now. The problem with losing 8 pounds and getting rid of all your clothes and not making much money? Well, I had nothing to wear to Vancouver. This wouldn’t be such a big problem if I didn’t have such low self esteem, but being that I do have low self esteem, added to the fact that Kristin, as I’ve mentioned, is tall, thin and gorgeous and we are planning on going out in public together, I was a little worried.
So, with visions of tax refunds in my head I ventured into Beverly Hills again today to buy some damned denim. Now, it’s been a while since my last brush with designer denim and I am a different woman now. Let’s just say, I went in with low expectations. The last pair of jeans I bought was in January. I felt gigantic trying them on in the store, and they were a little tight when I looked in the mirror, but I bought them anyway. Two wearings later, they’re too big. The thing about designer denim? You have to buy it too small, the fucking expensive stuff? GET’S BIGGER with age.
I went to Anthropologie because I know they carry Joe’s Jeans. And Joe’s are the kind of jeans that girls with big asses wear. (I hesitate to write this next part because even though I shouldn’t be ashamed of what size I wear, because it’s just a stupid goddamned number, I still feel like I’m a gigantor assed woman with too much butt.) I grabbed the two sizes I figured would work, a 32 and a 31. I tried the 31 on first, thinking, “Fuck it, I can always go to the 32 if I need to.” And, guess what. They fit. Almost perfectly. The alarm bells began ringing in my head. They said, “If you are going to buy a pair of jeans worth more than you make in a day, you best buy the right size, dumb ass.” I opened the dressing room door and called for my lady.
“Hey, do you think you have these in a 30?”
She came back with my jeans. The smallest jeans I have ever worn. The jeans that still were in the 30s but jesus god, looked so tiny on the hanger.
I tried them on. They were tight. They fit like a glove, not quite an OJ Simpson glove, but a tight glove. A glove I knew would look perfect after three days. So I bought them.
I didn’t know that buying a smaller sized pant would make me feel so good. Worried I had been duped by a skinny mirror and bad lighting, I tried them on in the privacy of my own home this evening and examined them in my own skinny mirror and my non-skinny mirror, and hells yeah, I am ready for Vancouver.
Sound the alarm, ring the bells, I am a smaller size. Could someone please explain to me how this is possible? Wait, don’t tell me, I just want to revel in the fact that I am thinner today than I was 4 months ago when the bad thing happened. Ah yes, that’s a nice feeling.