Sitting in a car for 12 hours with someone leads to long discussions about life and relationships and what you’re looking for. I, as it turns out, am looking for a unicorn.

The Los Angeles Male is a strange breed. Generally speaking, The LA Male is not so much a manly man, as a man who kind of thinks, “You should maybe look at your car yourself because I haven’t really ever seen the inside of an engine and I have no idea if I could really give you a second opinion on what you were thinking was maybe wrong with it maybe you could give yourself a second opinion and oh dear god is that fluid leaking from your car woah wait a second why won’t my landlord hang this picture for me no one ever told me that I might actually have to hammer in a nail because my manicure is actually a secret but I do get manicures and I really like the way the lady rubs my arms maybe you could give me a manicure and scalp massage but no I don’t really want to see you next Tuesday because that’s when I play poker/XBox Live/hang out at the comic book store but I really do have interests in things like sports if you consider skateboarding and surfing sports yeah I’m really into surfing because it like gets me closer to nature in a way that I never thought I would feel maybe I should go surfing tomorrow before we meet for lunch no I don’t have any food aversions except I don’t like anything that has ever touched any sort of spice that might be considered a little hot or even you know flavorful sure you can bring your dog I LOVE DOGS except only pit bulls like manly manly pit bulls that YIKES did you see that pit bull just tried to look at me so really to be honest I actually only like chocolate labs the best what do you mean they’re the stupidest of all the labs because they were bred only for color what are you some kind of dog expert oh you are well guess what I’m an expert in indie bands of the early 2000s that’s right I go to Coachella and I occasionally smoke weed hold on that’s my weed dealer on the phone right now no I won’t share my weed with you because you told me you quit smoking last year oh it was two years ago even more reason to FUCK that reminds me did you guys see that sweet street art exhibit last week because I heard it was awesome no I didn’t go I was at a meeting with this guy who thinks maybe I should really consider finishing this script I’m writing and also I should give him some more of the rad photographs I’ve been taking because he really thinks there’s like a market for them in like Japan and my mom told me that I was a really talented photographer but I didn’t believe her until that guy like totally made me believe in myself and you are sort of pretty looking at me like that maybe I’ll try to awkwardly hold your hand and then make a move but it won’t be an obvious move because I don’t want to come off like I’m really into you because that would give you the wrong impression but I am into you and maybe if you just sort of stop acting like you might be into me we can get something to eat later this week but I’ll call you right before I want to eat something and you’ll have already eaten so maybe you’ll just order a drink and then you’ll be drunk and did I ever tell you how awesome it is when you’re drunk except when you get too drunk I like you only slightly drunk like barely drunk do you have change for a five because I think I used to mess around with that waitress’s roommate and I don’t want to tip her this whole five even though she’s working pretty hard back there it’s a thing I have about food service.”

What was I saying again? Oh yeah. I’m a little unsure how I’m ever going to meet any one in Los Angeles ever.

The End.

P.S. I know it’s not really their fault. We made them this way. Now if someone could just show us how to make them the other way, you know, the good way, I’d be ever so grateful. Unless of course it involves me having to change, then fuck that noise I’ll be over here with my dog and my retro unitard.

P.P.S. I don’t even HAVE a retro unitard I just wanted to use that word in this post. Which is probably why the LA Male acts the way they do. I have uncovered the secret now and all will be right with the world and my unicorn is going to meet me at 3rd and Fairfax even though it’s a little trite to meet there, but whatever it’s post modern trite.