So… hi everybody! Merry Chrimess. Apparently I was drunk the entire months of November and December when I was on-line shopping for my family. Some things I never bought, other things don’t look familiar but I did buy, some people are getting the presents they want other people are just… getting a single present. Actually let’s be honest, no one is getting the right thing. Except my mom. I think. Whatever. I’m alive, I’m not mooching off my family anymore for things like auto insurance and I’m super healthy. (both my sister and my mom said I look skinny! that’s truly an awesome gift from them, they never say stuff like that. Maybe because I never am!)
My brother-in-law and I were talking about how absentminded and unfocused quitting smoking makes you. It’s true. We’re both basically ADHD kids walking around without our cancer-causing Ritalin sticks. Concerned about your child being medicated? Introduce them to the movies of the fifties, sixties and seventies! Your seven year old will be talking like Bette Davis or worse, Robert Deniro, and smoking Lucky filters in no time, but in addition, they will be focused on their coloring and spelling like nobody’s business.
While my flight was delayed, I wrote this -
safari keeps crashing and for some reason I’ve not got it in my head that it is some sort of sign. You know. Superstition. Something in my proximity keeps “crashing”… I’m getting on an airplane… geddit? but I must say my whole new Zen lifestyle has me kind of unworried about it all. My flight is delayed at least an hour? no problem. I woke up an hour late? showers are overrated! I might not make my connection to Seattle? I hear San Francisco is nice this time of year. If I do make my connection, my bags won’t get to my final destination? I’m sure Amelia and Fiona are just excited to see me, they won’t care about their presents…
I have mantras now. Maybe they aren’t real mantras, because I’m pretty sure real mantras are like OM OM OM. I’d look it up, but Safari, it keeps crashing! Most them I’m not going to share with you because it’s a little embarrassing to admit some of the things I have to repeat over and over again.
Oh what the hell, it’s Christmas! I’ll share anything!
Here’s a particularly good one. “It’s not [disease of the day], it’s not [disease of the day], it’s not [disease of the day].”
How about this one, “My ass is perfect, my ass is perfect, my ass is perfect.”
(Shut up. It IS perfect, I have the mantra to prove it.)
Ooo this is a good one, I use it often, especially in traffic, “Don’t pee your pants, don’t pee your pants, don’t pee your pants.”
It’s not always about me, sometimes it’s about my car. “there is plenty of gas, there is plenty of gas, there is plenty of gas.”
Or, “Oil changes are overrated, oil changes are overrated, oil changes are overrated.”
I really missed blogging, I missed reading blogs - actually, in the spirit of the baby Jesus I must say I failed miserably at the ‘reading hiatus.’ Honestly, I don’t know how one does that. How can you get through a day without reading? The first hour I was reading my Diet Coke can over and over. I didn’t read you guys, I felt like that was ‘healing’ enough. I don’t know who that lady thinks she is, but not reading is impossible! IMPOSSIBLE!
At some point I want to tell you about my truly terrible thursday, but i’m tired - look at that, too tired to capatilize. or psell right. spell. g’night.
oh, and a hot flight attendant (male) spilled a drink all over me and while wiping it up he rubbed my leg. then he gave me a double bloody mary instead of a single and now i am impregnated with his hot asian seed. louie just did a spit take. i’m not impregnated, but he was really trying, and if i wasn’t already the luckiest girl on the planet to have a boy like louie, i’d have totally let hot asian flight attendant with the cheekbones and the touchy hands impregnate me. my family mixes well with the asians. just ask my sister.