Awkwardly Social

I know you guys are still reading. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Here’s why girls shouldn’t have white sheets.

Blood, that’s why.

Now, first of all before I gross out even the girls, let me tell you a little story.

Two mornings ago, I woke up before my alarm. I know, I was as shocked as you are. And rolled over to see what time it was. Only to discover that there were two things that I do not like to see in my bed, right next to my pillow.

1. A dead spider (although a live spider in this case would be much, much worse)
2. A bit of blood.

I was day 4 of my period (I warned you guys like three times, so shut up!) and a little worried that I had performed some kind of night time acrobatics that killed a spider and caused me to leak near my pillow. Alas, after I flinged the dead spider body across the room using Harry Potter’s dust cover, I trudged to the bathroom. No leakage.

When was I bleeding from an unexpected place?
Why do I have white sheets? Now I’m not going to be able to let people sleep in them with out saying, “That blood stain isn’t from….you know.”
Was the spider there because of the blood or in spite of it?
Why do they even make white sheets?

None of these questions have been answered. My sheets are still dirty because I’m lazy and, hey, it’s my blood and it might cause the death of spiders, what do I care?

Have a good weekend everyone (my uterus made me say that).

I am drained.

Creatively sapped.

I need a vacation. (Even though I just got back.)

I want to sit in a pool with no one around.

Drink Pina Coladas on the Mexican Riviera.

Snorkel with the pretty tropical fish.

Write a novel in a cabin tucked away in the Rockies.

Run 2 miles without feeling like an emphysema patient.

Oh the list goes on….

This weekend I had the pleasure of holding two brand new babies. Twins. The little guy didn’t like me much, whereas the little girl fell asleep in my arms.

So. Maybe someday I’ll want a baby after all.

Who’d of thought?

So, I’m sure not many of you went to see The Island this weekend. You know how I know, I checked the grosses. More of you went to see, Willy Wonka, Wedding Crashers and Fantastic 4, which… Good for you!

First of all, I liked the movie. Ewan McGregor and Djimon Hounsou could read the label of my shampoo bottle and I would demand that they get an Oscar. (And Djimon…so sweaty.) Michael Bay knows what he’s doing when it comes to car chases and action sequences and blowing stuff up. He’s the guy. He delivers. His hand-to-hand combat scenes, not quite as good, but he totally makes up for it by casting Neelix from Star Trek Voyager and Steve Buscemi.

My big problem with the movie is the anti-cloning rhetoric. Now, I know the man did not write the film. But I’m pretty sure that Michael Bay is a Republican, after seeing this movie. The message of this film is that (if you do a bit of extrapolation, which Louie totally disagrees with) if embryonic stem-cell research is allowed, pretty soon we’re going to be cloning humans, raising them up and then where will we be? We will be killing humans, and they “have souls”. I was squirming quite a bit throughout this film. At one point when EVIL DOCTOR says, “But, I could cure Childhood Leukemia!” I wanted to vomit. The bad guys had god-complexes, which, as Louie pointed out, is a common theme in every cloning movie, but for some reason the tone of this movie screamed to me, “LOOK OUT! STEM CELL RESEARCH LEADS TO THIS!” It was scary. Not because I think that stem-cell research will lead to a clone farm of people used for our ‘insurance’ in case we ever need a liver or a lung or can’t have a baby. But because now I have had a glimpse into the mind of the Christian Right and I don’t like the way their brains work.

It’s this, anti-research, anti-doctor, anti-advancement mentality that is creepily evident throughout the film that worries me.

But, I keep coming back to a couple of amazing chase sequences, and a few lines of dialogue that were hilarious, and I wonder if I’m over-reacting. It’s just popcorn, right? Or is does that genetically modified popcorn, DUNH, DUNH, DUNH, have a SOUL!!!!!

TAB just e-mailed me the photos from my visit to New York, and boy oh boy, was I hot. And when I say hot, I mean disgustingly shiny. I’m also starting to look really, really old.

If you guys want to see something good this weekend, and I mean, good, go see Me and You and Everyone we know. It probably isn’t playing in the midwest yet, and it most likely is only playing in the arty art house theaters, but it is a great movie, and I want to see it make a lot of money.

I have what might be cramps, or could be a bad case of ‘too many fruits and vegetables’. Only time will tell.

Updated: Cramps. Definitely cramps. Fucking goddamned uterus.

This was an unpublished draft over at the old T and A blog, I have no idea how I meant for it to end.

______

Every once in a while I check our stats. Mostly I’m looking to see if any Brits have logged on. These past couple of weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about London, and the UK and I haven’t written about what happened because, well, I just don’t have anything to say about it. Last night, Tars and I talked about the erosion of our civil liberties, with respect to the new ‘random’ searches performed in NY subway stations. Fear. Racial profiling. What if you had weed in your bag?

On my flight home from NYC, sitting next to the chattiest 3rd grader. Ever. I realized that I had lost my fear of flying. No zanax, only dramamine to keep me slightly drowsy. And I wasn’t afraid. I didn’t worry about every little noise I heard. But sitting on the subway next to a big fat guy who kind of smelled and was dangerously close to tipping over on top of me while he dozed off to sleep, I was scared. Not of the big fat smelly guy tipping onto me, but of the train blowing up. And not even dying in a blown up subway train was what was scaring me, but having to crawl through rat infested subway tunnels wearing flip flops. Appropriate shoes, never high on my list.

My mantra in NYC has been exactly what is written above. And given my bladder troubles in the past it can be quite urgent.

That aside, I have to give a HUGE! shout out to Miss “I got yelled at by Mad Dog” Sarah for entertaining me pretty much all day yesterday. She gives a great re-cap on her blog, with pictures and I just want to make sure you all know, that she got yelled at not once, but twice yesterday. Twice!

We decided to try and ride the BEAST and were denied because of weather issues. We decided to get a pretzel and we were denied because it was too cold? It was about 85 degrees outside. But the dude looked at me with a straight face and said, “No. It’s too cold. Those pretzels you see there, you can’t have them.” Sarah and I had a lot of moments like that. People saying things to us, we would look at them like they were crazy, and then they would repeat the same crazy thing. I have never been to a wax museum, much less one that has an “House of Wax” scary part. Where people chase you. I had to run through the end because I got freaked out. The most bizarre thing about our lovely dinner at a Thai French fusion restaurant was when I asked our humourless waitress why all the music videos were J-Lo videos and she said, “yes. all J-lo.” And I said, “Yeah. I know, but why?” She said, “tomorrow it is Madona.” hee!

I have had an amazing time here in New York, and I think I’ve walked more than I walk in a whole year in LA. Thanks to all the NYC bloggers who took care of me. And back to LA for more drinking, falling down, and Tamara is a big dork stories.

I have a sickness. Waller shares this sickness and actually has a more severe case of it. It’s called ‘earliness disorder.’

So I’m sitting at JFK. And being incredibly annoyed by a group of mean-bitchy teenaged girls who decided to sit behind me and talk shit about everyone in the airport. And just generally be fucking annoying.

Also a 3 year old threw-up. And I saw the aftermath. His puke was sort of mauve.

I’m kind of sad to be leaving NYC, but honestly I don’t know how most of you people live here. It is fucking hot. And I’m from damned Arizona! And, it’s kind of dirty. I know, I know, LA is polluted and dusty and filthy too, but I think the combination of being sweaty and having to stand in the sweltering subway stations that are really dirty, you find yourself sort of completely covered in filth by the end of the day. I am now officially a Black Foot.

Oh god. The girls are now rehashing their volleyball tournament.

I only felt hasseled once on this trip by nefarious people. And that was in Long Island.

I fucked up and got on the wrong train leaving Sarah’s house. I might have been a little tired and tipsy. And then some dude helped me figure out how to get on the right train. Then a guy and his work buddies got on the subway and entertained me the hour long trip home. As I was leaving the subway, the guy looked at me and said, “get home safely.” I was kind of touched. New Yorkers have a bad rap for rudeness, but I’ve never really felt that. Maybe because I try not to act like an asshole tourist like I’m sure most of the ‘New-Yorkers-are-rude” contingent do. In fact, I’d venture to say, Angelinos are way ruder than New Yorkers.

Ugh. Forgive me that was a stupid paragraph. I think the idiot teenagers behind me are sucking the brain cells out of me.

I forgot to mention I met Sarah’s dog yesterday. I love that dog.

I have to move out of the jetBlue Airways hotspot and get the fuck away from these girls.

Last night I had my first public screening of Something Old, Something British. Bob, Phil and Chris came all the way out to Long Island to hang out with me before hand and get me drunk! and then sat through an agonizing amount of student films, a couple of which were ok, but god. It was kind of like a bad version of a 546 screening (only USC people will get that).

I had a hard time watching the film. But it goes by pretty fast, and there were still a few lines that made me chuckle. On the whole, it was an almost painless experience. I had a few vodka tonics in me (thanks Chris, Phil and Bob!) and I got a ride home in a car. Which was nice because after living in LA for so long, I kind of miss riding in cars. I never thought I’d say that, but I guess you just get used to having your personal space and not worrying about missing your stop or getting on an express when really you wanted a local and then realizing it becomes a local after a certain stop but you don’t know if that stop is before or after your stop. I’m sure people get used to it and start to not miss their cars, I’m just not going to get there by visiting New York once a year. I think you have to live here.

Anyway, back to the boy bloggers. It was pretty great meeting them. Phil has a thick Brooklyn accent that totally surprised me. Chris is a little soft spoken and since I’m deaf I had have him repeat half of what he said. And Bob… I’ve met before and he suffered through (what I’m sure) was another exhaustive night of “Let’s Talk to Bob about Dating!” He handles it well and seems to really want to improve. Then they tried to explain to me about comics. And… when I woke up (heh. just kidding). It was all very fascinating. And since I’m dating a comic book fan Bob told me it gave him hope for his own dating life. (which. heh.)

Anyway it was really nice to have people with me to support the film (it was a small crowd there.) and I really do appreciate them coming out. I know Long Island on a Saturday night is not exactly the most exciting thing to do, so I thank them.

Today, my plan includes, more Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and a bagel from this place that I know how to find again, because New York, is totally figured out, and I think I’m going to buy a knock-off bag from a dude on the street. Yipee! Hopefully I’ll get to meet up with the girl bloggers, Sarah and Sydney. Today is my last full day in the city.

I’m exhausted.

Number of times I took the wrong subway: 1
Number of times I thought I took the wrong subway, got off, realized I was on the right subway and had to wait for the next train: 7
Number of times I got caught in the rain going from subway station to subway station trying to figure out which way was uptown and which way was downtown: 2
Number of times I tried to figure out if I was on a local or an express train: 32
Number of times I nervously shifted my bag because I was sure the little old lady/teenaged boy with acne/middle aged man in a business suit/pretty much anyone standing near me was trying to steal my $10 in cash: too many to count.
Number of National Guardsmen with HUGE guns on the LIRR platform on my way to Long Island: 2 per track
Number of National Guardsmen with HUGE guns on the LIRR platform when I got back to Jamaica: 0
Number of high school girls drinking not so cleverly disguised alcoholic beverages on the LIRR at 10:00PM: 27
Number of 30 somethings drinking beers in paper bags on the LIRR: 40
Number of times I realized people in Long Island really DO talk like that: 17
Number of times I had to keep myself from laughing because they DO talk like that: 17
Number of times I’ve been asked for directions and said, sorry I’m lost: 2
Number of times I’ve been asked which train it was and knew the answer: 1
Number of films I saw yesterday: 4
Number of filmmakers I met yesterday and totally don’t remember their names now: 4
Number of times I congratulated myself for figuring something out on my own/for being a big girl: 3
Number of parades I am currently watching: 1
Number of drinks I know I have to drink tonight in order to make sure I don’t freak out while my film is being screened: 8