Awkwardly Social

If you laugh at something a three-year old does, the three-year old will attempt to replicate that behavior until you want to kill yourself for ever laughing. “Look at me Auntie! I’m dropping food ‘accidentally’ on the floor. Try the chicken, I’m here all week.”

It’s time change time again. Stupid time change time.

Happy Halloween!

This morning I heard something creeping outside my room. As I stumbled out of bed wondering where the hell I was, thinking, “My room isn’t this clean or white or with hard wood floors, where the fuck am I?” Then I saw my suit case on the floor and remembered I was in a different city, where a three year old lived who was asleep when I came in last night. I slowly opened the door and heard pitter pattering down the hall. I popped my head out the door and the tiniest little human turned around with a huge smile on her face and thundered down the hall towards me whispering in that loud whisper that three year old’s have (it’s the same one drunk people use, not really a whisper but along those lines) “Auntie!” She jumped into a huge bear hug and I thought, holy shit, this little human remembers me. And she likes what she remembered.

I had a dream last night that Allie posted. Sadly when I checked the blog there was no Allie post. *sigh*

Louie and I watched Raising Victor Vargas last night. God. That movie has such amazing moments. I really love it. If you haven’t seen it, check it out.

I’m going to see my sister and niece, and brother-in-law this weekend. I forgot to pack a warm jacket. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Halloween is my sister’s favorite holiday.

Here’s us ages 2 and 5 (ish).

And here’s me and Hope (or is it Hillary?) dressed up like Miss Hannigan. “We love you Miss Hannigan.” (I’m on the right.)

Happy Halloween!

If every life counts, according to the anti-abortion people, how do they reconcile GWB’s maniacal and barbaric view of the death penalty?

How do they feel about in vitro fertilization? (Lots of embryos are wasted in the process of in vitro because they are considered undesirable… why do those women get to decide, and other women do not?)

What is their stance on GWB’s war, where it says in this story that the death estimates in Iraq due to the war are around 100,000, and many of the dead are women and children?

Apparently only unwanted not-even-baby-yet-type-babies are of concern to the anti-abortion people who claim that all life is precious. Everyone else, get ready to die, GWB is staying in office.

Please vote. I’m going to go throw up now.

I went to the book party for The Modern Girls Guide to Life at the W hotel. And now that I mentioned the W hotel, I must say, they love to talk about their design. We get it. You designed a nice hotel. And blah, blah, blah, design, design, design. And now that I think of it, they actually don’t ‘talk’ about their design, but all the employees seem sooo smug about it. I don’t know what I’m saying so- Here’s the bathroom.

And the stairs -

And Jonah -

But really what I want to talk about is the Modern Girl Martini. Yum.

Vodka
Something else (grenadine, maybe?)
Vitamin Water.

The Modern Girl Martini
1. Will leave you with no hangover.
2. Will lead you to believe $12 for valet parking isn’t that bad.
3. Will make you dream about drinking gallons of Allie’s water, and in that dream believe that Allie would want you not to drink that water.
4. Will convince you that taking pictures of a bathroom isn’t embarassing at all.
5. Will wipe your memory of any feelings you had about eating McDonald’s post Super Size Me.

I love the Modern Girl Martini. The book looks great too.

So last night, Louie and I are listening to the rain, cursing the DirecTV for not being able to handle the utter downpour outside, and talking about Star Wars. Yeah. Here’s a transcript.

L: Empire is really the only one of the films that’s any good.
T: Is Empire the one where Hans gets put in the cryptonite?
L: Carbonite. Yes.

(T puts her hands up in the Hans Carbonite pose.)

T: Is it the one where Luke gets his arm cut off?
L: His hand. Yes.
T: I liked the one with the Ewoks.
L: Did you know that the actual name “Ewok” is never mentioned in the film. People only knew about it because it was on the box for the toys.
T: Really? Weird. Is Empire the one where they get caught in the trash compactor?
L: No. That’s the first one.
T: Why do Jedi’s disappear when they die in the first ones and not now?
L: No Jedi’s die in Episodes 1 and 2.
T: Yeah they do! There was that whole Jedi battle at the end of Episode 2. Lots of ‘em died.
L: Oh yeah. I don’t know.
T: I’ll have to ask someone about that. There must be a theory. Also I should ask them why the clones stop being clones in the last ones, ’cause Storm Troopers take off their helmets and they all look different. What’s their explanation for that?! George Lucas. He’s got some questions to answer.

DirecTV finds a satellite source. End scene.

Puppets having sex pornographically is hilarious. But if you wait to see this movie, I don’t blame you. I think it’s a bit long (even though it’s a short movie) and the jokes are well on their way to being over-played by the end, but when it comes out on video, I encourage you to check it out.

The sex scene… I have no idea what the MPAA made them take out, because it was still really dirty. It reminded me of the dirty things I used to make my Barbies do. Poor Barbie. She was a tired, tired woman. Read Pamela Ribon’s Why Girls are Weird for a hilarious take on Barbie and Marie Osmond dolls ‘doing it’ in Barbie’s manse. I think girls have an overdeveloped sense of dirty stuff when they’re kids. Just talk to any woman who grew up with Barbie and oh the stories you’ll hear. My mom and dad for some reason never wanted to get us a Ken doll, so you can imagine the creativity that spawned in me. Oh Barbie. She had quite the lesbian lifestyle. And then there was the bean bag clown doll. He reeeeeeally like Barbie. I found Barbie when I was cleaning out my closet. That slut. Her hair was all mussed up, her clothes half off, I think she had been getting down with Quail Quail (my stuffed quail, not so creative with the naming as a kid). She’ll never tell.

I have a list of things for you guys who are up and comers. You don’t know you’re going to be famous yet. Your manager just seems to be blowing smoke up your ass. Your parents are telling you to get a job. Everyone has a different opinion about how they should market you. But listen up.

1. Do not fuck with the camera rolling. (This includes still cameras. And fucking includes getting blow-jobs, giving blow-jobs, etc. et al.)

2. See number 1.

So. If you have aspirations of stardom, keep the goddamned camera out of the goddamned bedroom, or limo, or back alley, or where ever it is you like to get laid.

Pamela and Tommy Lee- You guys… Come on. Were you going to watch the tape again? Were you going to show it to your children? Why?

R. Kelly-You are a fucked up bastard. Get some therapy. Seriously.

I propose this. No more sex tapes. You bore me out of my skull.

So you’re probably all wondering how it went. Am I right?

Jen and I drove together (God bless Jen!) and we were strolling through the parking lot heading towards the park, when Jen says, “Oh, there she is.”

I think- Oh Christ. Louie’s not even here! With me! To introduce me! TO. HIS. MOTHER! But Jen did it. Jen introduced me. Louie’s mom hugged me. It was adorable.

So then we proceeded to the park and got tipsy on ‘concealed’ liquor (again, God bless Jen). Louie’s friend Tony was particulary thrilled when Louie’s mom came over and sat down with us and said, “So. Tell me about yourself.” And I said, “Oh no. Really? Where do I start.” Tony sat behind us and giggled. But she was terrific. I have practice with the Jewish mothers thanks to Waller.

So sadly, there isn’t much to say about the whole thing. I also met Louie’s dad, who was manning the grill. Very nice man. Everything went swimmingly.

I don’t understand. You think Bush will make you safe. You live in a state in the middle. You are safe. Bush isn’t making you safe, YOU. ARE. SAFE. You’re safe. SHUT UP about Bush making you safe. If that’s the reason you people in the middle are voting for him… I have nothing to say. I’m flabbergasted. I’m not trying to sound like a snobby coastal dweller, but seriously, you guys aren’t a target and if you were, you would realize, BUSH IS NOT MAKING THE WORLD A SAFER PLACE.

And let’s just get something else straight here, LETTING PEOPLE GET THEIR MARRIAGE LEGALLY RECOGNIZED HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR MARRIAGE. Your marriage means the same. Your marriage is not threatened. GAH!

I have to stop talking now, because my blood is boiling. I do not understand you. I try. I really try. You baffle me. I fear you. Stop being crazy. I don’t want to move to Canada. It’s really goddamned cold there.