Awkwardly Social

Welcome to Adulthood, Part 1

You will have to go the DMV, and stand in line, to stand in line, and find out you stood in the wrong line, so you have to stand in line again, to stand in the right line.

You will have to pay off your student loans but before you do that you will have to consolidate your loans. But before you do that you will have to weigh your options on which student loan consolidation company you find to be the least schiestery.

You will have to find a job. A real job. A job that pays you money not credits. A job requires you to wear job-like clothes. A job that you will have to go to in the morning and leave from at night. A job that you won’t know anyone at. A job job.

You will live for the weekend. You will always know what day it is. You will look forward to holidays, not because they will be a time to catch up on homework, but time to not be working.

You will begin to settle down. You will only get drunk on weekends. You will barbeque. You will stop sleeping with random guys. You will have a relationship. You will settle.

Things I like: (today, tomorrow y’all can kiss my ass)
1. Friends who give my advice, and then tell me that any decision I make will ultimately be the right decision.
2. My sister. For worrying I was going to be sold into white slavery.
3. My brother-in-law. He says things like ‘lateral move’ and ‘raw sewage.’
4. My niece. For being really excited about meeting Mickey Mouse.
5. Los Angeles. For being just a smidge better than a third world country, which makes me want to stay here.

Everything in my life is fits and starts. My world moves at a painfully slow pace and I get used to making careful decisions, plotting out my course of action (because there’s nothing else to do) and waiting for the next big thing to come along. Then WHAM! I am launched into a whirlwind that requires me to think and act quickly. It ruffles my feathers, I try to retreat and slow down, but I worry about missing the opportunity, and I have been so unused to action that action seems like a wild and crazy thing to do. Why act when I can wait around and watch the world go by? Interesting things are happening in my life, my world is looking very scary and unknown and I have no one to tell me what to do. People tell me what I could do, and what the variables are if I do those things, but they have to leave the decision up to me. Me? Me. I want Mommy to say, “No. You aren’t doing it.” Or, “Yes, you must do it.” And leave the consequences of my life up to someone else. I don’t want to be responsible for the mistakes I make or the opportunities I pass. Someone, please, tell me what to do.

So, you come here often?

The only person who has ever used that line with me was a drunk old guy in a Las Vegas bar. I was alone. I was ridiculously overdressed. (black strapless gown, faux jewels) I was drunk. That was the last time I got that drunk. It was vomitous, to say the least. So much so, I had to stay in Vegas another day because the thought of making the 5 hour journey home in 105 degree weather, made me wish I was dead. Anyway, the old guy thought I was a prostitute (not the first time in LV that I’ve been mistaken for one) and invited me back to his room. He didn’t pull out a wad of cash, but he might as well have, because when I turned him down he was shocked. I still can’t drink Stoli Vanil and I haven’t been back to Vegas. I think a year is long enough to wait. So maybe soon the ching ching ching of slots will call my name and the cheers at the craps table will visit my dreams and the little white car will take me away to the land where girls like me could only be one thing, prostitutes.

I hate stupid people. I hate the way they look at me when I say something they don’t understand. They look at me all condescendingly, like I’m the jackass who has no grasp of the English language. You are the retard that doesn’t know what a ‘breezeway’ is, not me. I’m not making up words here. I’m using words that are in the dictionary.

(Apparently the dictionary on Blogger is also retarded and doesn’t know what a ‘breezeway’ is. I hate my life.)

Dear Marine Layer-

I do not understand you, but I love you. You make Los Angeles tolerable. Please don’t go away again. We need you here.

Love,
Tamara

Dear Diary,

Tonight Allie, Elliot and I drank wine coolers on our front porch while working out a fabulous idea for a script for kids. I am so glad I have such amazing and talented friends.

And diary, thanks for being there when times are tough and I need a place to rage. I really appreciate it.

Your friend,
Tamara

PS I have a crush on someone. I’m not telling you who.

PPS Pina Coloda wine coolers are the best flavor.

Hooo boy, am I cranky today. I got to work an hour late. I totally thought my shift started at 9am. No. Not nine. Every student that comes to the window and stares at me, waiting for me to ask them what they need makes me want to punch them in the face. Just tell me. Tell me why you are standing there. Make my day easier by asking for what you need, not just standing there. Blinking. At me. I told you I was cranky.

When visiting Smitty’s Blog from Allie’s computer (she’s got the DSL) I was accosted by Pop-ups. Not your ordinary pop-ups either. Vagina pop-ups. That’s right. A girl bending over displaying her shaved vagina popped up. That’s legal? Should kids be traumatized like this? Seriously. I have nothing against porn, but a girl displaying her shaved vagina should be reserved for people who are expecting to see it. When I closed VaginaGirl I was treated to bare-breasted women, which I found less offensive, and what’s that about? I guess the message is, I don’t mind seeing boobs, but vaginas need to stay where they belong, veiled in mystery, not splashed across my internet screen.

Movies I’ve watched over a hundred times:
1. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. (One summer, it was all my sister and I watched. I don’t really know why.)
2. The Princess Bride (Not only is it a good movie, you can play so many drinking games to it.)
3. The Little Mermaid (When I babysat I would force the kids to watch this or the next one)
4. Cinderella (see above)
5. When Harry Met Sally (Who hasn’t seen this a hundred times?)
6. Dirty Dancing. (Ummm Patrick Swayze, dancing. Yeah. “I carried a watermelon.”)
7. Top Gun (So gay, this movie. I totally want Maverick and Goose to do it, but they never do.)
8. Groundhog Day (I actually think I’ve seen this 700 times, but then again, maybe I’ve only seen it 7 times.)
9. Rear Window (I love watching this on hot summer nights)
10. Encino Man (Don’t ask.)

Some movies I feel like I’ve seen a hundred times, but that’s only because I’d go over to a friend’s house and they would be on, in constant replay. In high school it was Boyz in tha Hood. In college it was The Doors or Pulp Fiction. In grad school, Jesus, no one watches movies at home. They’re too snobby, they have to see a print in surround fucking sound or they bitch and moan. (Fucking film students.) (Except you Goofrey. You watch movies.) (Oh, and you too Ands and Allie.) (Shit, actually all my friends watch movies. Ignore all statements about snobby film students.)