Awkwardly Social

Today would have been her 67th birthday.

She would have been pissed that I made that number public.

She would have made us go see Les Mis.

Happy birthday, Mom, wherever you are.

This month went faster and slower, impossibly, than last month, I think.  I work about 45-50 hours a week and, as I’ve mentioned, I don’t get home until right before Moe is exhausted for the night and ready for bed.  It’s hard on both of us, I think.  Probably harder on me, but I think his sleep is not great in the crib at night because he needs that mom time.  (Or maybe I just need the Moe time.) (Either way, I try to have him sleep in his crib for at least 3 hours before I bring him into bed, but some nights I’m more successful than others.)

I’m struggling with what I want to do when my out date at work gets here.  (A month and a half to go!) I need to work at least 3/4s of a year to ensure my financial and mental health don’t go down the tubes.  But do I wait to find something until March?  Or do I roll right into another job?  It’s all up in the air because who knows what will be available come the end of January. Ideally, I’d get to take a month off, then have another nice little predictable job for 3 months and take the summer off, go back to work in late August, but that is kind of a crap shoot.  Someone hand me a bucket of money, would you? (A barrel would be better, but I’d take a bucket.) I want to spend time with Moe, but I don’t think I’d love being home with him full time.  I just want to be the best mom I can be, and that is a person who works outside of the home 40 weeks a year.  Make it happen Universe!

This month Moe took his first flight, and he was lucky enough to be able to travel first class.  (Spoiled baby is spoiled!)
He got to reconnect with my sister.

He got to meet his cousins (his only 1st cousins! I thought I had a small family, but poor Moe, he’s worse off than I was)

and his uncle,

and my sister’s in-laws, who hilariously asked Tavia if she wanted to have a boy.  They have been gunning for a boy since they found out Fiona was a girl and me having a boy has stirred the fire of their desire once again.  (They also talked about how in Indonesia, women of a certain class don’t work, there is a nanny for each child, a cook AND a housekeeper.  Tavia asked what the women did all day, and her MIL said, “I went out to lunch…”)

I took Moe to the cemetery so I could see my mom’s grave.  I talked to her, and introduced her to Moe, but it felt a little weird because if she is somewhere, she sure as hell isn’t hanging out under ground in an urn, so she totally would have already met Moe.  But symbolically I needed to do it, and yeah, it was probably the saddest thing I’ve had to do since he was born.

This month Moe has really started grabbing things.  I’ve seen him feel around his crib for his pacifier, grab it AND put it into his mouth.  Genius baby!  He also knocked over a full glass of water at El Cholo last night, so we win parents of the year.  And continuing on the grabbing things vein, Moe was in his bouncer and Lula walked by and he snatched her by the ear.  I didn’t see it happen but I whipped around when I heard Lula let out a long high pitched whine.  Thank goodness Lula isn’t a snapper.  I have learned my lesson though and watch Lula around him, I trust and love her, but she is a dog and a dog will do what a dog needs to do if a dog feels threatened or hurt.  Fact of life.

I mentioned the sleep issues above.  I just keep telling myself these things won’t last forever.

Moe went from communicating in zerberts to this high pitched shrieky kind of vocalization which is pretty adorable even when it’s in your ear at 6:30 in the morning.

He also went to his first birthday party, (Betsy Brandt from Breaking Bad was there, oh, Hollywood) and he had his first Thanksgiving, although that holiday will be lost on him until the pilgrim talk starts.  (I just had a flashback of elementary school, cold with wet leaves on the ground, learning about pilgrims with mimeographed handouts to bring home.)

I am really looking forward to Christmas this year.

Yesterday Moe turned four months old.  Four months!  Four!  I can’t believe it.  I can’t believe how much he grew and changed and learned this past month either.

The big thing that changed was me going back to work.  It was a tough first two weeks back, but last week he seemed to catch his stride (it probably helped that his dad caught his stride taking care of him) and was back to better sleeping habits, waking only a couple of times a night to eat.   The first two weeks back he woke every two hours to eat.  I think he missed the closeness to me that breastfeeding provides and was trying to catch up at night.  I missed him too, so while I was extremely exhausted, it was nice to be needed.

He met his grandpa this month.

He rolled over tummy to back for the first time and then did it again and again.  (And now he’s all about back to tummy which causes me no end of worry in the middle of the night to find him face down with his arm trapped underneath him.)

He grabs his feet.

He sucks his toes.

He has started scooting very awkwardly across the playpen to reach toys.

His laugh is extremely contagious and he has started laughing when we laugh now.  If we tease Lula making her jump for her toys Moses cannot stop laughing.  It’s very cute. Lula is a constant source of fascination for him now.

He plays the guitar with his feet.

We’re still exclusively feeding him breast milk, but my pumping efficiency and my freezer supply are dwindling so I have a feeling if not this month, than next we’ll be supplementing.  I’m totally OK with that, Seth on the other hand is worried. He’s a worrier, that one.

I can’t wait for what’s next.

Things are starting to smooth into a predictable schedule.  Weekends throw that off and I end up stomping around muttering mean things under my breath, but for the most part, Moe is sleeping a certain amount of hours and at a pretty predictable time.

This will be interesting to no one but me, and I have a feeling even my interest in this subject will wane in about 24 hours.

Between 3:30 and 5am - Moe wakes up.  Usually I jab Seth in the ribs and when he finally stirs I sweetly ask him to change Moe’s diaper for me.  It’s like pushing the snooze button.  (Pushing it very hard.  With my elbow.) Then Seth brings Moe back to bed and he eats for about 10 minutes and falls back to sleep.  Depending on what time it is I’ll either put him back in his bassinet or snuggle him in between Seth and I.  If it’s closer to 5, he stays, closer to 3:30, he goes.

6:30 - 7:00am - Moe wakes up again.  I jab Seth again.  Diaper change and Moe snacks again.  He usually falls back to sleep, but sometimes he just lays in the middle of the bed flailing and grunting.  I prefer when he falls back to sleep.

8:45am - Seth leaves.  We get up and Moe eats.

9:30am - Moe goes to his bouncer and I eat breakfast, drink a couple glasses of water and turn on the DIY network and pump.

10:30am - Moe eats (sometimes, sometimes he’s not hungry) and we head out for a walk around the neighborhood.

11:30am - Home again.  Moe sleeps in the stroller for about 10 more minutes while I frantically try to get bottles washed and pump parts sterilized.

12:30pm - Moe eats.  Then we chat and play.  Sometimes I read to him (from whatever I’m reading) and make up songs and play what will Moe like today.

2pm - Crankenfuss goes into the swing for a nap.  Sometimes he eats before, sometimes he doesn’t.

5pm - Moe wakes up.  (and so do I!) And he eats.  AGAIN.

5pm - 8pm - I try to entertain Moe between snack sessions.  He basically likes to graze during this period and it drives me a little crazy.  EAT OR DON’T KID. PICK ONE.

8 - 8:30pm - Seth finally gets home.  Usually I hand him off and Seth hangs out with him while I take a shower or work out or both.

9pm - Seth feeds him a bottle.  Moe begins to melt down.  I nurse him to sleep.

10pm - He’s down for the night!

Well, writing that out makes it seem like I’m breastfeeding all day.  That’s because I pretty much am.  6 months and solids cannot some soon enough.

I had my last day of work on Friday, worked on the nursery yesterday and got a pedicure today, so basically this baby better get here soon because I have so little left to do.  So little except obsess about how much weight I’ve gained and how I’m going to lose said weight, and oh hey, did I ever tell you living in LA can be very difficult if you are a normal person with normal cellulite and normal wrinkles on your forehead?  This has not stopped me from eating ice cream almost every day, however.

I also need advice on crib mattresses.  I have this one bookmarked (organic dual sided blah-de-blah it’s $289!) but I’m open to suggestions.  Oh lord, I just went to a Babble (vomit) link and they had a $550 mattress listed in one of their ridiculous slide shows of doom.

And now for an awkward segue. I want this baby to be born this week.  The anniversary of my mom’s death is coming up (July 14th) and I’m all anxious about him being born on that day, so of course, I feel like that will probably happen.  Because sunrise, sunset, circle of life and wow, I miss my mom.  I cannot tell you how hard it is to continually have to come to grips with the fact that your mother is dead.  You would think it would just one day be like, yeah, she’s gone, and then your grief fades and you remember the good things, but nope! Just keeps coming back.  Aaaand now I’m crying again.

Deep breath.

Here’s the bump photo.

My sister invited me to come up to stay with her during the long holiday weekend to go baby shopping and movie watching. We were joined by my sister’s best friend Cassie who is like our sister from another mother. I spent a lot of time in the back seat of my sister’s Subaru station wagon as a kid listening to them sing songs from Edie Brickell’s first album and the Little Mermaid soundtrack.  They were pretty much my idols. Cassie lives in Arizona with her husband and two (hilarious) daughters, and I haven’t seen her since my sister’s wedding.  WHICH WAS 12 YEARS AGO.

(Her daughters picked the onesie.  They are my people, for sure.)

Obviously I’ve kept up with her through Facebook and e-mail here and there, but having her and my sister together here giving me their baby advice was exactly what I needed. I sat in the back seat and soaked it in. I wish we all lived closer.

And while I’m feeling a little sad about that, I’ll also say that being in Seattle for the first time since my mom died has been kind of emotionally fraught.  We visited the graveyard yesterday and I got to see the stone in person and leave some flowers.  This weekend would have been so fun for her, and she would have NEVER let us see the movies we’ve been going to. My Oscar viewing card would have been filled instead.  I miss her.

So, yesterday, I hit the halfway mark and I’m definitely feeling heavy these days.  I do not recognize this belly in the mirror.  And the baby moves like crazy.

I have a hot date with a couple of kids to see a couple movies today.  We must indoctrinate them in the Blaich movie marathon technique or they will forever be single movie viewers like everyone else.

Today would have been my mom’s 66th birthday. When I booked this trip to Germany, I thought about how she would have liked that I was here on her birthday.  She would have liked to be here with me.  I miss her and I wish my sister were here.  This is harder than I thought it would be.

So, if I’m doing my math correctly, and honestly, I think I am and my doctor is wrong, I am officially 10 weeks today.

This week I was rarely queasy, but some food sounded utterly repellent.  Today I’ve been on and off queasy. The hives are still around, but I basically only get them when I’m trying to fall asleep.  Which is pleasant.

Today also marks 2 weeks until we leave for Berlin and um… I don’t have anything to wear.  Living in Los Angeles does not afford me the wardrobe options one needs for frigid cold weather.  So I’m trying to stock up on sweaters and ordering wool tights, etc. But I’m sort of resigned to the fact that I’m going to be cold a lot there.  Like all the time.

I’m also stocking up on kindle reads for the long flight and I picked up a couple of embarrassing guilty pleasure books from the library (Murder in Italy - the Amanda Knox story… for starters).  But I’m kind of stumped on what I should wear on the plane.  We have business class seats, so we get to lay flat.  And I am pretty uncomfortable laying flat in jeans.  Especially now that I’m becoming more rotund.  Do I change into pajama pants? That seems… hard. But I don’t know, maybe it’s not? Do I wear leggings? I need European travel help! The last time I flew to Europe I was 18 and I believe wearing something like jorts.  So, things have changed, yes? I think we can all agree wearing jorts to Europe in the dead of winter is not only the opposite of fashion forward, but begging for frost bite.

And finally on the other end of things I’ve been having dreams with mom in them. I’m thinking about her a lot these days and wishing she were around to give me vague advice about my hives and how to cure them.  What would have been her 66 birthday is coming up and it’s putting kind of a crushing weight on my chest.

So, anyway, I’m thinking of all you who have lost loved ones and are missing them this holiday season.

I’m feeling really sad, my father-in-law passed away a year ago on Saturday and it’s brought a lot of my feelings about my mom’s death back burbling up to the surface.  So, I cried a little today.  Big fucking deal.

I pulled the scab off by going to my mom’s goodreads profile to see what she was reading when she died. Then after crying about how she wouldn’t finish some dumb book, I looked at when she added it. July 1, 2010, over a year before she died. So basically, I was crying about a book that my mom had probably finished but that she hadn’t updated on a stupid booky-social networking site. It kind of cracked me up. Every book in her profile was added the same day.  And then it looks like she never went back. It’s so my mom.

I tried to get a USB drive of hers to open on my computer that I had accidentally sent through the washing machine and it won’t load. It made me furious with myself. And then I figured, she probably never used it.  She was terrible about that kind of thing.

My sister and I are planning a Disneyland trip.  I got sad that my mom wouldn’t be able to come with us.  She loved getting out of Washington, she hated Disneyland, but she would have liked drinking wine and smoking cigarettes by the pool at a fancy hotel while we took the girls to the park.

I’ve been going to acupuncture at least once a week, it’s like therapy without all the talking.  Larissa just asks me a few questions, I cry and she puts needles in me. I imagine my mother would find it all slightly California ridiculous, but she would have been very interested in this whole IVF process.

I start stims tomorrow. I miss my mom today.

I was sitting in a comfortable chair in my dream, I heard someone come into the room and I turned and there was my mom.  She was standing there.  My mom.

My voice was filled with tears, “Mom? Are you really here?”

She walked over to where I was sitting and I stood up and tried to walk towards her.

“No.  But I wish I could be.”

We hugged and I woke up.  I wasn’t sad at first, you know how you feel after you’ve first woken and the dream isn’t fading yet.  I got to see my mom.  She came to me in a dream.  Then reality starts crushing in and you begin to analyze everything.  You remember you don’t believe in heaven.  You remember that your mom will never walk into a room where you’re sitting in a comfortable chair.

I got up and went to my crushingly early ultrasound appointment where I was told that I should do an IUI that day.  So we did.  And all day I wondered if my mom coming to me in my dream meant that she knew it would fail or that she knew it would succeed.  And all day long I told myself that she wasn’t actually doing anything, that my little human brain was creating every frame of her.  My tiny little brain was reaching out across the ether of its own creation.

I went to work and in the middle of the day I went for a walk.  The first song that came on my iPod was from the movie Once.  The iPod I hadn’t updated in a few days, that was playing my acupuncture playlist.  “Are you really here, or am I dreaming.”

–

It’s been a two weeks since I wrote that and my mom has been in my dreams twice since then.  First it was a nightmare, I don’t have any firm grasp on what the content of that dream was because as nightmares go I try to forget them.  A week ago, it was a dream about setting my sister and her friend up in their dorm rooms.  My mom was there too, she was also going to be at school and was so glad she quit her job to go back to get her PhD. She said, “If I don’t do it now, when will I do it?” Then it started raining inside in my dream and she was gone, and we were just there dealing with getting my sister into the right room.

–

I took a pregnancy test tonight and it was negative. It would have been nice to have this all wrapped up in a neat little bow, “Are you really here?” But life does not follow the typical three act structure.  We do not always get satisfying endings and there isn’t always a good bit of dialogue to close out the story and leave the audience wondering why their life isn’t perfect like that.

I’m still here.  My life is pretty fantastic overall.  And besides, I’m way too tough to let this set back hurt me.  Bring it on, motherfuckers.