Published by admin on 25 Jun 2010
The internet has been on sappy letter writing spree as women write (figurative) curlyqued cursive letters to themselves in their twenties. Oof, we bloggers are a drippy feel-good lot. And since I’ve been in a bad mood since I left the womb, I’m giving you a letter to 20 year old Tamara that she would actually listen to, not some love song to a time gone by that 20 year old Tamara would have flipped the bird to.*
1. Get rid of the overalls. You are not a farmer.
2. Keep the Doc Martens, you are going to miss them when you’re 34.
3. No, that guy is not giving you mixed signals, asshole, he thinks you’re a chubby 20 year old who gets ugly drunk.
4. That guy too.
5. None of those boys like you.
6. Stop pining.
7. And while you’re at it, stop eating fast food. You are getting fat.
8. No really, you don’t look good.
9. Oh god, slam poetry? You are so fucking embarrassing.
10. Keep writing that stuff in your journal, though, it’s hilarious when you’re 34. Like, seriously? You thought boys just didn’t get you? Believe me, they got you, you desperate embarrassing idiot.
11. You will lose that freshman 15 weight in your 30s, but it will be hard because you’ll think you remember a time when you could just eat fast food 3 times a day, forgetting that you were fat when you did that.
12. If you stop wearing the same jeans every day, you’ll be forced to see what size you really are, and that size will make you unhappy, and you will lose weight. Let’s get on that. Before your metabolism takes a dive.
13. That guy doesn’t want to marry you.
14. Don’t worry, he doesn’t either (THANK GOD).
15. Seriously, give up on the boys. You’ll be fine in your 30s when you stop fucking caring so goddamned much.
16. The no bangs experiment goes on too long. Just let it go.
17. And finally, it’s going to be ok, asshole, don’t panic. Crying makes you look terrible.
*I haven’t forgotten the Ode to my 20s I wrote when I turned 30. So, I was a little sentimental then. Whatever.