Awkwardly Social

It’s all I can do to focus on the difficult task of finishing two episodes these days.  By the time I get home, I think to myself, oh, I should write about this!  And then I get distracted by the size my ankles and my dwindling Tums supply and before I know it I’ve purchased 10 more pairs of teeny tiny socks.

I have about 5 days and 3 hours of work left and the big question I get is what I’m planning on doing after the baby gets here.  And my big answer is, uh, hopefully one day still be employable?  Maybe 3 months from now, maybe 6?  Maybe… I’ll be a big shot movie producer and all of you will work for me?  Being a freelance producer has its downsides.  One of them being constantly looking for work and never feeling like you can turn down a job.  Also, being a mom and a freelance producer sounds really, really complicated, with a side of really scary that everyone knows I have a baby now and maybe they’ll think I can’t do my job well anymore.

Some of these feelings came up because of that article about women in high powered political positions who have sacrificed a lot for their careers and that “a lot” includes quality parenting time.

UGH.

Someone bring me my Tums!  I like the fruit flavored kind.  And have you seen the size of my ankles?

I am technically 28 weeks and three days today.  I have excuses for not writing this on Sunday, but they are boring and you deserve better than that.

I seriously can’t remember what happened last week outside of work hours except for an excessive amount of baseball watching and dog snuggling.  I feel like I’m totally over-compensating with Lula.  She’s a dog.  It’s not like having a new baby in the house is going to ruin her life, right? (POOR LULA!)

Oh! Now, I remember something we did, we reached our goal for production for my movie!  That is huge news and I’m very proud of us.  So proud that we promptly found out one of the director’s must have locations is going to cost us TWICE as much.  So, we’re still accepting donations over there. (Mentioning that feels so tacky to me, I know you guys have all been super generous and I love you. We’ll find the money somehow!)  We had a very important production meeting where things like “snake season” were discussed.  I am not afraid of snakes, however, I do not think it would be wise to be the named producer on a film where someone dies from a snake bite, so we implemented a “Boots on set” rule, which I’m sure one person won’t follow and I’ll have to be the mean producer and tell them to get their act together.  Which, don’t worry, is right in my wheel house.  I don’t mind being the mean producer.  Don’t get me wrong, I prefer everyone to like me, but I know what my personality is like (abrasive at times? is bracing the right word?) so I’m fine filling the role where required.

To top off interesting things happening in my life, we found out Seth will be in Winnipeg for at least 3 weeks for work.  Which, yay! WORK!  But boo, Seth will be missing the birth class.  The birth class I pretty much signed up for because I thought he might need a little refresher given his huge gaps in knowledge about how babies get here.  (And yes, he DOES have two children.)

The belly photo will follow tonight.  Never fear.  Here is a photo of me at 15 and 27 weeks to get you through the afternoon.

Here is the 28 weeker!

A few months ago, my friend, writing partner, and all around awesome person, Tara, told me that we were just going to go ahead and make a movie.  We had written 3 versions of a screenplay about the Lost Dutchman Mine in the Superstition Mountains and all of them were big budget action movies that while one day we would probably be able to sell, ultimately knew we wanted to do something with the story ourselves.

So we started doing it. We flew ourselves to Arizona, we interviewed people, we scouted locations, Tara finished the script and we formed a company and now we just have to come up with a little bit of a budget shortfall to get our vision on the screen.

There are lots of ways to do this, but the way we decided to do it, so that we could maintain the most independence and stay the leanest, was to put up a project on Indiegogo.  Much like Kickstarter it’s a funding website that helps independent filmmakers reach their goals.

I’m excited about making a movie.  I have been making television and documentaries ever since I left film school and this is my chance to apply all of that experience into a kick ass scary movie.

I hope you’ll check out the our project on the IndieGogo site.  (If you donate there are perks!) Like us on Facebook (now with a link that works?).  Check out our new twitter feed (@_darkmountain_) which is just getting its sea legs.  And spread the word.

I’m doing this because I love telling stories and this is a damn good one.

So the network passed on our pitch on Friday and I got my period a few hours ago.  It was an infertile month.

Our show will go out to a couple of other networks as a “soft pitch.” They’ll watch the reel and read our written materials, but we won’t necessarily have to go and sit in a room with them.

I would have been shocked if we had sold a pilot or even a presentation on our first outing, but I also wouldn’t have been shocked if it happened.  Does that make sense?  It wouldn’t have surprised me, but it would have been surprising.

As for the infertility front, well, that continues.  I spent all week feeling weird twinges and cramping, wondering if I was getting feelings of implantation or an impending period.  It’s a mind fuck and I was immediately sad when I got my period, but I’ve tried to rally.  No one enjoys a sad sack.

We’ve got another couple of cycles before our doctor decides if we need to try something more drastic, so we wait.  And try, try again.

There’s something about the summertime after the 4th of July that seems kind of endless and when I was a kid riding my bike around in lightening storms, that always seemed like a good thing, but now?  It seems like a high air conditioning bill and too many work hours getting in the way of enjoying hot summer nights on the front stoop.

Seth and his son assembled the ping pong table yesterday.  The ping pong table I gave him for his birthday.  In February.  I love that we have a ping pong table.  I love that we have a living room large enough for a ping pong table.  But I do not love that the ping pong table is now the centerpiece of my living room.  This is weird, because I spend zero time in my living room.  So, now with a giant ping pong table in it, I actually spent more time in there in one evening than I did in the 6 months leading up to this moment.  Thank god it folds up.  Because, even though I bought the most attractive option, it is still a hideous eye sore in the middle of my living room.

This morning I woke up after a terrible dream that involved me murdering three people so that we could properly execute the reality television outline we were given.  Then, when I was watching the cut of the show (still in the dream) I realized that people were going to find out that I REALLY killed those people.  And they were going to send me to jail.  And Seth refused to help me by changing the cut so that it would be ambiguous if they died, because he thought it was better to know that they got poisoned, shot, hacked up and strangled (the poisoned person didn’t die, because another producer did that segment and didn’t really kill the reality tv cast member… STILL A DREAM).  I woke up really freaked out that I was going to have to go to jail and really mad at Seth for not doing my notes.  Issues, I have a few!

I don’t have a lot that I can talk about right now.  Partly because once you start working in TV, you get really paranoid.  It’s basically a law that you stop trusting people once you start having your name appear on the small screen.  I would venture to guess it’s the same for people whose names appear on the big screen, but I haven’t had my name up there so I can only give anecdotal evidence to that fact.  Trust no one is pretty much everyone’s motto here in LA.  It’s a little sad, but whatever.  I don’t trust you people, so what do I care?

Last week I had a pitch at real live network (the network that I think is responsible for creating the format…) for a reality show that I produced with Seth and a partner.  It went pretty swimmingly, but now we wait and refine our pitch and hope that other networks will also want to see our little docu-soap.

I also had my 4th IUI.  It was kind of bizarre to be sitting in the waiting room with the show I’m currently working on playing on the television.  No joke, that happened.

Then I managed to pick a big fight with Seth about his son being in town soon.  I guess my stress about the situation is a very sharing kind of stress in that I want everyone to know how stressed I am, and hope that they’ll be just as stressed as I am.  It didn’t get unusually ugly, but it did involve tears.  Me once again claiming I’m the outsider and I don’t want to be on the inside.  Wah…  Girl who cried wolf usual bullshit.  For those of you who are in the process of falling in love with people who have children from a previous relationship, I feel for you.  Especially if they are young.  I am lucky in that they aren’t young, so they don’t have to live with us.  THANK GOD.

If you watched the Obvious Big Awards Show all the way through to the credits you saw my name. Good for you, kids who watch through to the credits, good for you.  This is the first time I’ve worked on that show while also working in a big office with a lot of people who watch that show and watch the credits to see if they know anyone else who worked on the show.  So I got some text messages and then puzzled looks in the office.  “How exactly did you have time to do that?”  I exactly don’t sleep more than 3 hours a night and weekends are not my own.  That’s how.  So glad it’s over.

Also, I didn’t watch the show.  Not one frame.  Except for the frames I slaved over.  I saw those frames a lot, but the frames that were broadcast in between those frames, I didn’t see.  That’s a first for me.  Lately I’ve been acting too cool for school, like, I’ll wear colored tights, knee high boots, my hair in pig tails, vintage jean jackets, Ray Bans and an attitude that says don’t fuck with me, and it’s carried over into my television watching.  Basically, I’m sort of acting like a hipster.  It’s a total chore and I’m very bored with it.  Sometimes it’s no fun to hate everything.  Anyway, if a show is in prime time, I don’t watch it.  I make exceptions only for Grey’s Anatomy and baseball.  I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now! That’s how hipster I am!  Ironic!

So between moving, going to Vegas with my mom and sister, and working two jobs one of which I recently tried to compare to Shakespeare (I couldn’t actually figure out the comparison, I just muttered something about sisters and a plot to dethrone the king, and everyone thought I was on drugs, that’s how tired I am), I’ve hardly seen Seth, much less had time to get myself knocked up.  So, no baby, which is a shame because I have a lot of eye rolling to do about the joy of motherhood that’s going to have to wait another month, at least.  I have no idea how this whole getting pregnant thing actually works.  I know in theory you’re supposed to have a lot of sex and it’s supposed to be at a certain time of the month, but now that I’m actually trying to get pregnant I feel like that’s very vague.

Ok, back to Shakespeare.

I went to a panel last night called “International Co-Financing for the Independent Film,” and if that title doesn’t put you to sleep try listening to seven lawyers talking about the ins and outs of tax benefits and soft money in countries like Australia, Canada and Ireland. The Irish guy at least had the decency to be young, cute and speak with an Irish accent. Fuck me, being an independent producer can really be dull. When do I get the cute shoes and first class flights?

I guess I should back up a little. Did you know that I’m a producer? I am. People who knew me in film school are laughing right now. I would cry when people asked me to produce their films and have a pre-emptive mental break down. Now though? Now, I’m a producer. It’s funny how a couple of years of perspective and a solid diet of working for other people can really make one want to strike out on their own.

Last night while Tara and I were rolling our eyes and karate chopping lawyers in our heads to keep ourselves awake, we were twice accosted by 2012 references. I loved the moment when we both turned and looked at each other wide eyed and freaked out and then couldn’t stop giggling. That is what this is all about for me, I love her work, she enjoys mine, and we both have an honest fear of ancient Mayan predictions.

Tara said, “Well, the earth will still be here, but you probably won’t.”

I said, “And you will?”

Tara responded, “Oh yeah, I fully intend to survive the apocalypse.”

I said, “Um, I’m the leader of the resistance against the machines, so you better hope I survive.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess so.”

So you can see how Tara and I are going to take this town by storm. Her - armed with personal style, writing talent and good hair. Me - with geek references and the free calculator they handed out as SWAG.